August 14, 2012
The days go by and we spend every moment with Daddy. We wake up, enjoy the day, and end the day with him. It has been the best time of our lives. Daddy gets aggravated from time to time, but he said it's normal. He has reassured us many times these past weeks, that he loves all the time he spends with us. He looks healthier and he's even grown a beard. First time we ever saw him with one. He looks so sophisticated. When Daddy was working we saw him, maybe, four hours a day. Daddy didn't intentionally lose his job. Who does? He said "everything happens for a reason.". Hopefully for our sake, we find out that reason soon....
I overheard Daddy talking to himself after he read a letter he received in the mail. He was spouting curses and words I've never heard before. I was scared to ask any questions but if you know anything about me, you know that wouldn't stop me. I approached him and asked who sent him the letter. He said it was from the unemployment office. I then proceeded to ask him what the letter was about. He looked at me with a sadness I have never seen. What could the letter have said to make Daddy feel this way. Just when I was about to walk away Daddy belted out "No one cares, Maritza!", and before he could say another word I cried out "I care, Daddy"....He opened his arms waiting for me to enter them. I love it when he does that. You could hear Alyssia say "I care too, Daddy" as she ran to us from the living room. Daddy opened his arms wider to give us both a hug. It was the kind of hug you give to someone that has been hurt. We weren't in pain. I'm sure of it, but maybe he was. The kiss on the forehead, that followed, was as you would expect from a father to a daughter. Simple, sweet, and filled with a type of security, only a Daddy could give.
He wiped the tears from his eyes, picked up his head and said..
"I love you girls. Right now, Daddy is dealing with some serious issues and because it doesn't happen often, the world doesn't believe a man can take care of a two and a four year old. They don't see that I can not give anymore than what I have already given. I ask for help and it's denied. I ask for a more steady and predictable schedule at work and they say "sorry, you work in retail". Well, I'm sorry. Sorry they couldn't understand. Sorry, I didn't put more time and effort in my profession. Sorry, I didn't give my job, my full and undivided attention. Sorry, I didn't put my girls before my work. Sorry, it's always a women in this situation and rarely a man. I tried to be a father and a valued employee once before. The result, me having to step down from a assistant managers position to make it less difficult. I've made sacrifices and I know there will be more to be made. I've learned there is nothing that is going to make raising two little girls any easier. It's just not possible without family. It's unfortunate that I moved away from mine. It doesn't really bother me in the sense that, eventually we will overcome this. What does bother me, is the overwhelming feeling that I will fall. I can't see myself failing, but falling? Yes. It's coming. Is that what they want from me? Do they want to see me in the gutter? Down and out? Begging for a handout? If you don't show signs of humility, you don't get the support you need? Why help someone who isn't groveling, right? Nonsense! It shouldn't have to be that way. The only thing I beg and plead on a day to day basis is, that we remain together. Which will most likely be misinterpreted as my greatest attribute and downfall.....My arrogance."
I wiped his tears like he does mine and opened my arms. Daddy looked at me, grabbed Alyssia and hugged us like he was never going to let us go. Deep down we knew in our hearts, he never will.
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