I Now Know

     I Now Know                                                     

There is someone out there, who won't face me?
I just don't know.
There is someone out there, someone besides me?
I just don't know.
There is no-one out there, maybe its just me?
You never know.
There is no one out there that will replace me.
This, I do know.

Until that no-one becomes your everything, mind, body and soul.
You stop and drop everything, kindness, caring, and growth.
It didn't happen quick, or fast as some would say.
The process was a slow, natural, form of decay.
I was once that sparkle in your eye. The beat in your heart,
The reason you cried, when we are apart.


When did my face not make you smile.
When did loving me, cramp your style.
When did my hugs, not fill you with love.
When did you stop, the beyond and above.
When did my giggles, not make you laugh.
When did my efforts, not make you glad.
When did my trophy of number one,
become second place.
When did unconditional love,
become a race.

It's when I was no longer, your rush and your high.
Your drive, your desire, your reason to survive.
Your reason to leave in the middle of the night,
Your reason to give me your very last bite.
Your reason to spend your very last dollar,
because I needed milk, medicine or diapers

Now there's someone else, I see them standing there,
Who is it I wonder? Who has captured your stare
Who is this new twinkle in your eye?
Your reason for living, your reason to die.

There is someone out there who won't face me.
This I now know
There is someone out there that has replaced me.
Please let me know
Who that someone is? Why won't you introduce?
The answer for that is, I'm to young to know the truth.


It is  now, that I'm older, I'm not that little kid.
I know what happened, and I know what you did.
I couldn't give you the answer for the why? or for the how?
The same went for you with your "Not here, not now".
I asked you long ago to prevent the way I am feeling at this moment
I couldn't forgive that someone, No room for atonement.
I couldn't believe it took this long for me to come up with an answer,
More like the many reasons, you headed towards disaster

I finally found out the name of that someone you loved
That someone who took away, your spirit and your love.
But, that someone's not a person, No, not a person at all.
That someone is drugs. And I do,
forgive you for it all.

-Anonymous

10/5/2011

Daddy, Can I Talk With You?

``November 9, 2012


  You know the feeling when you're trying to get your point across or finish your sentence and someone constantly interrupts you? The agony the brain feels when it is done processing information and comes to a conclusion, and you're not allowed express it? I feel it everyday I come into a battle of wits with my Daddy. It starts of slow and easy then erupts into a all out war of the minds. At the height of our quarrel, it is sufficient to say, I do not posses the capacity of knowledge that he does, and I may not have lived as long as him, but I want to be heard! Daddy claims, he knows what I am about to say from the first couple words and a close observation of my body language. OK, that's fine, but I want to hear my sentence from the first word to the very last. I don't want to lose my train of thought even for an instant. When that happens, I begin to direct my anger at him, instead of the reason for my anger. I begin to lose my grasp on the conversation, confusion sets in, I start to doubt my own words, shortly after, my mind. I want to be confident like his assertiveness towards Alyssia and I. Speaking of which, I could only imagine the moment Alyssia and I, team up and utilize the very skills, confidence, common sense, and deductive logic used to raise, discipline, sculpt, and train us.

 There's a phrase Daddy's been using for the past couple of months? He says something to inform us of his grasp on the situation, then ends with "It's because I smart". We have been taught how to speak, so we know that sentence is inappropriate. Me, being the smart one(not to mention the only one between Alyssia and myself to articulate our words) I would tell him "It's not, I smart, It's I'm smart" After numerous attempts of correction, he gets the hint and follows with a corrected "I am smart". It took some patience, something Daddy says we do not have, I beg to differ. We have as much patience as the next kid. Still, Daddy says we should practice having patience more often. In return, Daddy should make it a point to practice the same, but I'm wouldn't say that directly to him. Out of respect and all, a characteristic learned by example. Much like hearing us out, letting us finish our sentences, anger, serenity, passiveness, frustration, aggressiveness, and politeness, right?  "Monkey see, monkey do. What I see you do, I do too!"  We soak it up like a sponge and squeeze out what we don't need and retain the rest.  My question, is it his personality that hinders his ability to hear us out or is it his "parenting skills" hard at work? I haven't quite figured that one out, yet.

  Daddy's parenting skills are resilient, unyielding and relentless. Here's a tiny tidbit of information to help you to understand his ways. Daddy always ask us a question, and when I say that I mean, when he notices us doing something we need correction or guidance on he will ask a Question. He has been like this since I've known him. He would ask us "Why would you?", "How could you?, or "Are you supposed to be doing that?" Rarely, do we receive a demand or an order and only when he reaches his boiling point, but he does well at keeping his composure and asking questions. I asked him "why?", and his reply was "I ask because I want you to realize(one of Daddy's favorite words) what is going on, I want you to be aware(another one of Daddy's favorites) of what you girls are doing. Anyone can belt out commands in hope that you listen out of fear. I want you to be aware (there's that word again) of your actions and their consequences."

 One evening, halfway through our dinner, without any food in my mouth(I know how he gets), I said "Daddy, can I have more,  when I am done eating? Daddy finished chewing, swallowed, and asked with a crinkle between his brow and a look that could kill "Why are you asking for more, when you haven't even finished whats on your plate? That's called being greedy" I replied with my "newly invented way" of beginning a sentence when I talk to him, "But, Daddy! I was just asking for more because"- Daddy interrupts with "I asked you, why would you ask for more and you're not finished with what you have?"-"But Daddy! I was asking because I"- again he silences me. His voice is stronger and deeper than my tiny voice, even though I've learned how to project it more. "Why don't you concern yourself with what's in front of you?" he said again with a question "But Daddy"-an echo with bass, follows "But, Daddy?" His words are not yelled out or said out of anger. They are confident, and overpowering, with each sentence, the instinct to reply becomes overwhelming to the point of overbearing. "You don't have to begin every sentence with, but Daddy."

 Daddy is quick with his words, to get a word in edgewise is an accomplishment that I had to achieve at this very moment in our discussion. I looked at him across the table and said "Daddy!!" I didn't yell(that would infuriate him),"Can I talk with you?". "Sure " he replied. "Go ahead" I stared him in the eyes as I told him "The reason I wanted more is because it's so good and I don't know if there is going to be any left" He looked at me with a laughter behind his words and said in the form of another question "What if you aren't hungry after you're done eating? How about we wait until you are done, and if you still want more, I'll get you more. Does that sound good to you?" "Yes, Daddy" I said, then he returns with "good, now wasn't that easier?" With a mouth full of food, I shook my head yes. In my mind I was thinking the same. "If he was referring to the fact he finally listened?", Yes I would have to agree. It was easier. So, I've come to the conclusion, that I have to be as persistent as Daddy is, when it comes to teaching him how to listen.  To me.

Letter Addressed To Heaven

                                                                                                                                     November 6, 2012


Dear Mommy,
       
    The most wonderful thing happened yesterday. It's the kind of event you would gather everyone you love and celebrate. It would be considered the party of the century. Barbara would be there with Lucinio and Sammi, the tears pouring from Barbara's eyes. Normally I would crack a joke, in hopes to change her mood, but those were tears of joy and you know, when it comes to those types of tears, the best thing to do is to let them flow. Ben would be there... wearing a smile from ear to ear, with his arm over my shoulders, telling me that he never had a doubt, while eyeing my friend Katie. Katie has done so much for the girls and I. Many holidays would not have been, if it  wasn't for her. She has shown me, not everyone gives for the sake of what they hope to gain in return. The Woodley's would be there, Dawn, Stephen, Leo, Skyler, and Mom. Mom is Stephens mother, Her and I partake in conversations you and I would engage in, if you were still alive. How I enjoy the talks we have. Dawn would be crying too. She's as emotional as any mother would be. Even more so, since witnessing most of the scenery on the road I had to endure to get to this point in my life. I know her sister Tina would be there to lean on. She is good peoples like that. Another family attending, that  I am grateful to call my family is The Johnson's. Kenny, Jackie, Lil' Kenny, and Julia. Kenny is my Baltimore brother, him and his family have created so many memories for the girls and I. Memories that will stay with us forever. Grandma and Grandpa would be there, Tia, Jason, Yahaira, her husband Robert, and Jose Raul, all the way from Puerto Rico. Tia and I spoke on the phone, not to long ago. We had the longest conversation I have ever had with her. It reminded me of all the years we missed out on family and despite all those years, I was shown family will reach out a lending hand in times of need.

There are others I didn't mention that will be there too. They, like everyone else, would get the chance to meet my guest of honor. The women who is responsible for all this. The women who deserves all the credit. The women who not only taught me right from wrong, but also showed me by example, how a women should treat herself and her children.... That women is you, Mommy. You would be by my side, as I introduce you to those who, Maritza, Alyssia, and myself, call family. The people who made it a little less unbearable to be so far away from home. We would all be there to celebrate. Celebrate the day I gained full and sole custody of  my two beautiful angels. That's right Mommy...full and sole custody of your grandchildren. I know you would of preferred it this way. Every child deserves to have their mother in their life, especially little girls. I tried all that I could, and learned in the process, you can't force someone to put another before themselves, to take responsibility, or to be a caretaker. The process was long, frustrating, and heartbreaking, but with all that you have shown me, I made it through. There were times when all I wanted was for you to be there, like the day I found the text that proved to me "the mother of my children" was cheating on me. I imagined you coming to Baltimore, packing her things, putting them on the porch, and telling her "If you didn't want a family, you shouldn't of opened your legs! You Gotsta Go!!, and don't worry about the girls, we'll take it from here" She would get the point and I wouldn't feel so helpless.

 Now I just want you here, to see what I have become and most importantly what Maritza and Alyssia have become.  They are my perfect little girls. I am grateful for the chance to raise my girls, everyday, in my image. Nothing in the world, gives me more pleasure, than hearing their voices, answering their questions, and holding them, in my arms. I could not fathom the thought of "weekend visitation" and "Part-time parenting", much like the thought of raising my girls without your guidance. When you passed away, you took with you, my advice and help center for raising children, my back-up memory banks of my life, and the best grandmother my girls could have ever had. I would give anything to have seen the expression on your face or to feel the embrace of your hug, when the judge granted me the ability to raise my girls, with less uncertainty and more clarity. Their lives are in my hand, Mommy. The way Barbara, Ben, and my life were in your hands. People I know ask me "how do you do it?" I look at them in the eyes and say "I don't really know how I'm doing it", as the conversation fades, I come to the same conclusion every time. You did not struggle to show us you loved us. You did not stumble over your words as you told us "I love you". You did not question your parenting skills, or doubt your intentions. You never made us feel like we were unwanted and not once have you ever implied or told us "you hated us" You loved us from the bottom of your heart to the height of your being. Life was difficult, yes, but loving your children was easy, second nature. It is because of that attitude and outlook on life, that reminds me of one thing from my childhood......."It doesn't matter how much money you have or what horrible situation you might be going through, all you really have is each other"

Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for showing me how to love, how to care, and how to cry. Thank you for making me different, making my girls the bud of everyone's compliments. Thank you for my childhood, my memories and my example to follow. Of all the things I thank you for , I now know on this day, the most important.....I want to thank you for showing me how to be a Mommy. I love you and I will write again soon.

                                                                                                        Missing you dearly,
                                                                                                                  Andy