My Tio Ben

 July 18, 2012

 I thought my Daddy was alone, family wise. Day after day, we see other people with their families. A mother, a father, an uncle or two, cousins, a few aunts, even grandparents.Not Daddy. Daddy has a few relatives that we know of. They don't live near us.We have an aunt in Brooklyn, N.Y. (we call her Titi Barbara) she has a husband named Tio Lou and a daughter named Sammi. We also have an uncle named Ben who lives in Brooklyn, N.Y., We call him Tio Ben, and that is pretty much our family circle. Oh, let us not forget to mention our family in Puerto Rico. Daddy says he loves them and would like to see them, but PR is so far away and everyone is just so busy. Maybe one day. On our mothers side, what we have is a mystery. She never spoke of them like Daddy speaks of his. We hear of Daddy's side of the family constantly. For instance, Daddy is always saying "I love you" to them after every phone call. You're probably thinking it must be weird to hear two grown men, tell each other I love you, but these grown men are blood brothers. Like, me and Alyssia are. Well, not exactly like Alyssia and I. We are different ages. My Daddy and Tio Ben are the same age. I know, strange. Huh? How could they both be the same age? Were they born at the same time and what does fraternal twins mean? I asked Daddy and he said "Fraternal twins means two separate eggs were fertilized at the same time". I gave Daddy a look that told him "What are you talking about? Eggs? I asked about You and Tio Ben?" He quickly changed his response and said "It's when a mommy carries two babies in her belly at the same time. When they are born, if they look alike, they are identical, if they look different, they are called fraternal. I can explain a lot better when you're older". I love the fact that Daddy tries so hard for us to comprehend what he's trying to explain, even though we haven't a clue.


 We don't get to see our family often, due to the fact of distance between us, but when we do, it's like they were never gone. It's great! Just like, how great it is to have our Tio Ben visit. The moment he arrived was like seeing two giants crash into each other as they showed their affection. Daddy was almost crushed by Tio Ben. I would say "and vice versa", but I don't think Daddy could crush Tio Ben with a single hug. They hugged for a long time like we do, when Daddy drops us off at Apple's house in the morning, before he heads to work. Tio Ben is a big man. He looks like a wrestler. Daddy said Tio Ben won almost all the fights they had, when we were younger. He said "it was apart of growing up and Tio Ben won mainly because of his size." I think it's because Tio Ben is soo strong. Alyssia and I were hanging from Tio Ben's biceps and it felt like holding on to a tree limb. He's like our very own Grizzly bear, that lets us brush his hair.  It's not long like Daddy's, so it's easier to brush and style, and believe us we brush and styled it.

 Last night, Daddy headed to bed early. Daddy's been exhausted lately, so you couldn't blame him. Usually, after everything is taken care of(of course) he puts us in bed before himself. This night was different, this night was special. Daddy went to his room, didn't even say good night, and went to sleep. We didn't mind. Tio Ben was here and awake. I'm sure that's the reason Daddy would do something out of the ordinary, like break our routine. While Daddy slept we did things we could never do at that time of night. Most importantly staying awake. What a gift it was to stay up past bedtime(Thank you Tio Ben). We played with his hair and styled it. We were his "ladies in the hair cutlery." Tio even recorded us for a bit, so he can have some memories to take with him. We had so much fun, Alyssia passed out on the couch, I stood awake. Daddy eventually woke up. He came into the living room, looking a little groggy, picked up Alyssia and carried her off to bed. He then, called my name and said "Ready for bed Maritza?" I replied without consideration of the truth "Yes, Daddy" He smiled, then said "say goodnight to Tio Ben" I turned to Tio Ben, ran to his huge bear hug and said "goodnight Tio Ben".

 I would of told him more, but you know how Daddy gets. To have a smile on his face after seeing his princesses, up past their bedtime, awake while the king slept, ruining the routine, Breaking the habit(you get the picture.) is nothing short of a miracle, better yet a miscalculation on Daddy's part. So, I save my thoughts to satisfy my Daddy and my memories of my Tio Ben, knowing this. We love you Tio Ben. We are happy to know, there is someone out in this distrustful world, that truly cares about our Daddy. Someone, who isn't out to get him, jealous of his accomplishments, or envious of his outlook. You say your his twin with a passion of pride that echos "We are closer than brothers. We are twins.We are one." Nothing will ever change that. Like, nothing will ever change the fact that, we are your nieces, we are blood, and we love you. We hope you visit us again. We had so much fun. Thank you.

I Have A Couple Of Questions

July 20, 2012

Question. Why is the world so cruel? Why can't we eat candy for dinner? Can it be that it was all , so simple then? Why doesn't everyone sing? Why does Daddy feel like, we are being raised by our sitter? Do you dance when you hear music? Why do we need money to buy everything? Why doesn't everybody smile? Why does Daddy complain about time, all the time? Are gum drops the same as tear drops and rain drops? Where did our grandma go? Do you believe in angels? Can you really taste the rainbow? Is she coming back? What is lightning? Why is Daddy all alone? Are monsters real? What is wrong with being nice? Would you go to work, more than you would see your own children? Why doesn't everyone have a pool in their backyard? Does our opinion, really matter? Why does Alyssia have more than me? Would you take a chance, if it meant spending more time with your kids? Why does Maritza always want the bigger piece? What is your favorite color? Why won't anyone understand? What's that stuck on the door? Is it all worth it? Why do we have to go to sleep? Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?  Did you see that? Why ask why? Is there anyone out there? Would you, if you could? What will you do? What was that? Want to know more? Where is the love? Who's fault is it, anyway? Why doesn't it go away? Does time really heal all? Do you know what you are doing?  Is it OK to say "I don't know"? How would you know when to stop? Are we the only ones with questions? When is enough, enough? Will it be too late? Is it too late, already? Will you see things our way? Are we asking to many questions?

All Grown Up.

July 17, 2012

I'm a big girl now. Yes I am. It's been one whole week that I have been wearing big girl panties. I am what they call "potty trained". I am so proud of myself. Proud that I can walk into any bathroom and say "Hi. My names Alyssia Perez(no middle name, don't ask)and I am here to put my pee and my doody in your potty."
Yucky, smelly doody. My Daddy says he's tired of seeing it, smelling it, and dealing with it.
"Doody goes in the toilet! Ewwwww. Alyssia. Doo-doo is nasty. We put it in the toilet, we wipe ourselves clean, front to back, and we flush it down. Bye-bye. It's gone. That's it." When Daddy says "That's It" after a sentence, he means just that. Daddy was getting angry with me because of all the crying over closing the van door, by myself. Turning off the living room lights(the only ones I can really get to). By myself. Turning on the TV. By myself. Washing my hair. By myself.  He said "How could you cry about doing all these things, by yourself? You wanna be a big girl? Use the potty!! Learn how to use the potty like a big girl, then we can talk about the rest! Can't even use the potty an you wanna cry about a door". (He could be so mean at times). Well I did, Daddy! Lets talk about the rest, with your big girl, Alyssia! I know when I need to go. I know how to do it now. I can use the potty...... I did it! Not alone, of course. I had lots of help from Apples house. I heard my Daddy thank her for helping so much with "the potty training". Daddy says he still can't believe that both his beautiful little girls are all grown up. Believe it, Daddy! We see your effort and we give you ours. We are never going to stop amazing you. Thanks for being there. It's a dirty job being a mom, but somebody's got to do it.
And for that, We love you.

"When you are there for the worst, It shows you at your best"
                                                                                  -Trez Perez




I did mention I was potty trained, Right? YAAAAAH! ME!!!!!

Zombie Apocalypse Take 1

July 16, 2012

Spring cleaning in July. Daddy decided to go through our toys and cloths. He says its time to get rid of everything we don't use. We told him we didn't want to throw any of our toys away. Daddy said the toys will go to children that didn't have toys to play with and the cloths will go to children that can wear them. We said OK and helped Daddy sort(we have to keep a close watch on Daddy, we have close ties with some of our toys. Even if we haven't seen them in awhile). We began collecting toys from every corner of the house. Under the bed, in the closets, in the basement, and in our play house( it's a walk-in closet in our bedroom, where we store the majority of our toys). It was there, that we found notes in a sandwich bag tucked into the corner of the walk-in. We found a total of three. Here's the first.  

Chapter 1

The Reawakening

April ?, 2003

 The zombie apocalypse....funny you never would think you would live to see one. It was yet another example of the frog in the hot water. It didn't happen overnight. It wasn't some hello, good morning. Would you like some zombie apocalypse with your eggs? Nor was it the "oops!, I just stepped in a pile of zombie apocalypse". No, It was clear.  It has been marinating for some time. Whether it was planned or accidental. It was a slow inevitable simmer. I couldn't imagine having children, now. Would you? Bring them into a world of the undead? A worldwide zombie take over!?.... World wide.....seems like a large area to cover. I try not to think about it. Maybe a healthy dosage of "out of site out of mind" might help or is that a phrase for procrastinators. I talk from experience, of course. Nothing I love better than sitting back and doing absolutely nothing. Why do today, what you can do tomorrow.? Right? Easy to say when your only responsibility was keeping a job. I rarely kept a companion. It's not that I don't enjoy a womans' company. I am selfish. Don't rely on anyone. Nothing to be ashamed of. I like my own things, my own way, and my own space. On top of that, I am particular. My desire was to find someone who compliments me, completes me, improves me. Now I'm lucky if I find one who doesn't want to turn me into a zombie.

My Personals would read:
Single Living Male looking for Any Living Women
Must be Energetic, Outgoing, 
Takes pride in appearance, health
Proper Etiquette & Ability to hold a conversation is a plus
Having brains in head, instead of on your mind is a double plus
Knowing how to feed the mind, instead of feeding on it, triple plus.

You need these comical moments to keep you going. That's the key right there. Keep your brain thinking, your body motivated, and your head clear. If not, You could end up loosing your mind(no pun intended). This is serious. It seems to be the lazy, who are more likely to fall. Makes sense, If you don't have the energy to act on anything. Then, why would you expect to outrun the Apocalypse. We can't give up or give in. We could end up losing the world as we know it forever.... Listen to me, like I'm an expert on reversing the Apocalypse. I may not be, but I have hope and hope is sometimes all you have left.

                                                                                 Continued......

A Letter From My Daddy, Addressed To Me.

July 9, 2012

I received a letter from my Daddy. He said this letter might help explain the way I was feeling. I'll read it one day. You can read it now.  

To my first born, Maritza,
                              I love you. You are the most precious thing in my world. I couldn't ask for anything more than to see you on a day to day basis. You are beautiful. Gorgeous like your mother. I called her that everyday of our "life" together. Life is a fantastic thing, pretty girl. Unfortunately, we are all victims of circumstance and that's when life becomes ugly and uncertain but, through that uncertainty still lies one constant. One undeniable truth. The one thing that can not, should not, and will not be altered by circumstance in any way. That is my love for my daughters, a mothers love for her child, and a fathers love for his child! Without question. No excuses. No doubt. No reason. So, none will be given. The truth, is what I want and expect from you. You shouldn't expect anything less.
Mommy....I don't know where she is, what she is doing, or how she has been. The only thing I know about mommy is she loves you with all her heart, she will never forget about her two youngest baby girls, and she is so sorry she hasn't been around. I also want to apologize to you Maritza. Deep down inside, I also feel mommy would of called on your birthday and for that, I'm sorry. I couldn't keep my phone activated any longer. It was time to cut out expenses in my life to compensate for "my" circumstances. I did get a new one and I will make sure mommy gets the new number. In life we all make mistakes. We all have our decisions to make and we are all responsible for our own actions. You will know this in your life because I know this in my life.
My Maritza. My baby girl. My everything. Live life to the fullest, baby. There's nothing to be afraid of. Let me take your worries, your fears, and your burdens, so that they won't slow you down. Let me be your guide, your passage, your light through the darkness, so that you may experience flower covered hills, bright blue skies and the sun shining on your face instead of the gloomy, morbid social acceptance of reality. You will read this one day and wonder "Did Daddy loose his mind? What was he thinking? Is Daddy crazy?"
Far from it, only about my girls, and yes. I am crazy. If crazy is thinking I can raise my girls with respect, logic, and common sense. If crazy means doing everything I can to help you grow up instead of watch you grow up, help you with your tears instead of create them, and do everything I can to show you I love you, instead of just telling you I do.... I love you Maritza and, Alyssia the same. This will never change. It's funny, there is a saying that goes "never say never"......I think I found the exception to the rule.



                                                                                                                                                         
                                                                           What do you say when "I love you" isn't enough?
                                                                                     I'm proud to be your father, Maritza
                                                                                                 

Maybe Mommy Called On My Birthday

July 8, 2012

I know she hasn't called, Daddy. I know she's busy, Daddy. I know she would of called if your phone wasn't disconnected....Daddy! Why wasn't it on. If it was on, I would of heard my mommy's voice wish her beautiful Maritza a happy fourth birthday. I would of had the chance to tell her how you organized my first birthday party at Pop-pops pool, how you made shish-ka-bobs and your famous pastelitos(I know how much she loved them), and how I had a stomach ache because you finally, let me eat as much as I wanted on my birthday(Bad idea, by the way) I could of told her everything, but you took that chance away from her. Away from me!

So, tell me why, Daddy. I don't ever remember your phone being off. EVER!! You have had the same number since I was seven months old in February of 2009, when you and mommy split up when Alyssia was  nine months old in August of 2010, And when we last saw mommy a year ago in July of 2011. The same number, Daddy!! Remember, you told me and Alyssia once when we asked you "what if mommy doesn't have a way of getting in contact with us?" You said "Don't worry your pretty little heads off.  I am going to keep this same phone number. You and Alyssia are going to to have to memorize it one day, Titi Barbara and Tio Ben in New York use it to call us, all our new friends and family in Baltimore use it to call us, and most importantly if mommy ever needs to reach us for any reason, whatsoever. She can. Promise.". Do you remember saying that, Daddy? You broke your promise! Now, no one can call us. I know in my heart, mommy was trying to call me on my "special day" I know it. I can feel it and because of you Daddy she couldn't get to speak to me. How could you let this happen.....

Four Years On This Planet, Is A Long Time.

July 7, 2012

Today is my birthday!!! My holiday!!! I am four years old. Daddy said "This is a special day. Birthdays are more important than any other holiday. Its your holiday, baby" I of course replied "I'm four years old. I'm not your baby anymore, Daddy. I'm your big girl now."

Daddy opened his arms and gave me the biggest hug and said "Yes you are. I'm so proud of you. My little girl is growing up. I love you so much, Maritza" I noticed a fluctuation in his voice as he spoke to me. it reminded me of when he talks about Grandma.

"Are you crying, Daddy? Crying because you don't want the women to come take me away from you?" Why I said that he'll never know. "No one is taking you away from me. You are mine, forever. I love you so much, Maritza. Your such a big  girl now. I'm also so happy to enjoy everyday with you,  especially your birthday. Your birthday is the day that reminds you how much you have accomplished in a year. How much you have grown in a year. how much you have learned in a year. Its the day that says "This is my special day" Well this is your special day and I hope you have fun" Daddy already knew as I hugged him again, I felt the same exact way. Now lets go and enjoy my day together.

I Miss My Mommy

 July 2, 2012

Why I did it? My Daddy will never know. Mind you, my Daddy is a very knowledgeable man, but he doesn't know everything. "Sorry Daddy you're only human" I have never seen a more confused look on my Daddy's face than the moment I told my Daddy "I don't love you when mommy's here" This was said casually after our usual routine of getting ready for bed. Alyssia and I tucked in, Daddy on his way out the door, and the rest is history.
"Good night Alyssia. Good night Maritza, I love you"
" I love you too, Daddy"
"I don't love you when mommy's here."
"Where, Maritza?"
"In our house"
"So, you don't love me, Maritza?"
"I don't when mommy's here, in our house. No, I don't"
"..........,You don't love me? Alyssia, do you love me"
"I love you, Daddy"
"Alyssia loves me, Maritza"
"Do you love me Maritza"
"Yes, But not when mommy's here"
"Well, I love you, Maritza."
"Daddy?..... I miss mommy"
"She misses you too, baby"
"Good night, my pretty girls"
"Good night, Daddy"
We received extra kisses and hugs after our little conversation. Daddy looked like he had a lot on his mind. I wonder what he could be thinking. Maybe, what he wanted to say, at that very moment was...

I miss my mommy too, Maritza. I miss making her proud, being her baby boy, and I simply miss making her smile. I miss feeling safe, her strength, and her confidence. I miss my first true love. I miss being her mommas boy. I miss knowing the women who set the mark, who demonstrated "independent woman", and who raised a daughter and twin son's. one who is crippled and the other two, only eighteen months younger than their sister. I miss love without attachments, loving without worry, and being truly loved. I miss  "a phone call away", "a hop, skip, and a jump",  and "a stones throw"  I miss my family, my sister, my brother. I miss having a Mommy, having a witness of my childhood, and having somebody. I miss my tears of joy when I think of her, my smile when I see her, and my hug when I need her. ..I miss my Mommy, Maritza and you have every right to miss yours.....remember one thing...be grateful like I am,  that a women called mommy carried you for 9 months. Thank you mommy.

Sunrises

July 1, 2012

Teddy was trying to tell me something, but I couldn't understand him while he was eating cake. 
"You shouldn't talk with you mouth full, Teddy." Barbie agreed.
"Wash it down with some of your delicious tea you made for the party." Teddy agreed. Everyone is always so cooperative at my tea parties. Teddy sipped some of his home brewed white tea, opened his mouth(which was now clear of food) and before he could speak a giant hand came from the heavens. Donning a shiny band of metal, which sparkled as it descended gently on to my back. It was Daddy's hand! I could also hear his voice.... whispering my name. "Maritza." the whispers began to get  louder. "Maritza....
I opened my eyes to see  Daddy standing next to my bed. "Good morning, Daddy"
"Shhh, Good morning, baby It's not morning, just yet."
"It's not?"
"No. Here, put your jacket on."
"Where are we going, Daddy?"
"I want to show you something"
"What is it Daddy?"
"It's one of Daddy's favorite things."
"What about Alyssia?"
"She's not alone. Let her sleep."

"OK, Daddy."
Daddy carried me to the van like he does most mornings. This didn't feel like most mornings. As we exited the back door to our house I knew it was still bedtime. It was dark out and when it's dark out, it's bedtime. Daddy placed me in our van and buckled me in. Usually, I argue to put my seatbelt on and close the door myself, but it was to early for that.
"Are you ready, Maritza?"
"Yes, Daddy" We drove for just a few minutes. I didn't see an other vehicles on the road but us. I loved it. It was just me and my Daddy. We arrived at our destination, when Daddy pulled the van over and parked.  He unbuckled his seat belt and patted the front passenger seat.
"Come, sit up here baby"
"In the front, Daddy?"
"Yes, Maritza."
"We're not leaving the van?
"We are, but not at the moment. Take a look"

 "I don't see anything, Daddy" 

"Over there by the orange light"

"I see it."
"What is it?"

"It's what I wanted to show you, the sunrise. ready to go?"

"What's a sunrise, Daddy? 

"It's when the sun Chases away the dark and brightens the sky every morning." 

"Like when the sun wakes us up in the morning. lets go, Daddy." Daddy walked around the van opened my door and lifted me out. Daddy carried me close to him while my head lay on his shoulder. It was a little chilly out so, I cuddled him a little closer to keep warm. Daddy found the perfect spot to lay down the towel he brought, so we can sit. we should of brought chairs. Next time. It was a beautiful morning. We sat there, just me and my Daddy. No Alyssia. Not that I didn't want her here. I want these one on one moments with Daddy, too.  I looked up and asked "Why does the sun go away and come back everyday?"

 Daddy pointed in that direction and said "You can't have one thing in life without the other, You couldn't enjoy the light if it wasn't for the dark. You couldn't enjoy the dark if there was no way to turn the light back on."

"That way, I don't get scared of the dark, Daddy"

"That's right, Maritza. Now lets watch the day begin"
Daddy pulled me in closer as we watched the world get brighter. I wanted anxiously for it. I think I see it!

 

There it was!! The sun crept from behind the horizon. I looked over at Daddy. He had a look of a child as his eyes widened gazing into the sky. I loved it! It was so incredible. Daddy pointed out the clouds as they changed colors. I never saw this before in my life! The sky was blue, then orange, then red, then yellow. Beautiful. "Thank you, Daddy."

 

"No. Thank you Maritza." Daddy picked me up held me close. We were making our way back to our van, Daddy said to me "It's the little things in life that mean the most. We take them for granted because of their size. It doesn't take to much effort to enjoy them."

"Are we your little things in life, Daddy?"

Daddy thought about it. Smiled and said. "Yes you are, Maritza. You and Alyssia are my "little things" in life that mean so much"

"I love you, Daddy"

"I love you more, Maritza"

"Can we bring Alyssia next time."

"Definitely"

I Don't Care About Anything

July 1, 2012

 I try and turn my Daddy's attention to this TV commercial.  "Look Daddy! I want that!" Daddy isn't interested. I called out his name for a second time "Look Daddy! look at the TV!"
"What is it, Maritza?" Daddy loses his temper fast, when you don't get to the point. "Let me finish up with Alyssia!"
"But, I want that! Look!"
I don't think I should of done, whatever it was I did, because at that moment, Daddy gently grabbed my arms, pressed them up against my sides, looked me straight in my eyes with a stare, a mission and this thick Brooklyn native accent Daddy gets when he has passion behind his words and said...
  "I don't care, Maritza. I don't care about television commercials. I don't. I JUST DON'T CARE!! I DON'T care about TV, I don't care about whatever anybody is trying to sell us. I don't care about nobody or nothing! I don't, Maritza! All I care about is you and Alyssia! Do you understand? I don't care about this house, our van, or my job. Nothing. As long as I have my two pretty little girls, I don't need anything else! everything else is....-I don't care" Alyssia stays quiet when Daddy speaks with such ferocity. I don't, so I said "You care about your TV in the living room, Daddy"
"No. I don't, Maritza"
" Yea, you do. You sit in front of it and do your typing"
"Yes I do, but that's not as important as you two.
"You still love it"...
"It's an inanimate object, Maritza. I can do without it. I won't be able to handle being without you or Alyssia"
"Oh!.......I love you, Daddy"
" I love you too, Daddy"
"I love you Maritza and I love you too, Alyssia."

We Wanted To Call Them Tips For A Better Daddy

June 30, 2012

 I found a note my Daddy wrote. I thought it would be a good idea to share it with you. Sharing is caring. Isn't that what he always says.

Note to self.

 Everyone should tolerate criticism. We deal with it everyday. Manipulation through social acceptance. Creativity downsized for comfortability. Conformity disguised as stability. It is perspicuous to dumb down. When the society as a collective reduces literacy to a six grade comprehension it compels us to  acquiesce. We are persuaded to antagonize the polymathic.

In layman's terms, We don't want to be smart. We don't want to eat right. We don't want to be the greatest we can be. We don't want to raise our children with all the knowledge this world, at this very minute, this moment in the time line of this great universe, can offer. We don't do it on purpose we do it because its normal. It's our family. It's our hopes and dreams.  It's our children's hopes and dreams. It's that College tuition. It's the moment they graduate. It's the satisfaction. It's why we can't let go. It's why we won't. It's the street we live on. It's the cars we drive.  It's the vacations we go on. It's our job. It's our duty. It's our responsibility. It's never enough. It's they way we know. It's all we know. It's the foundation of "functioning" member of society. It's easy to talk about changing it. It's easier not too. WELL, IT'S NOT!!!!

"Don't complain about how hard it is to hold a conversation. when it was you who cut off your ears"
                                                                                                           -Trez Perez

I have instilled in me through my own investigations and observations my own form of injected rules to live by. These rules of respect, common sense and logic are hardwired into my personality. My character. That was until my daughters arrival.
They have taught me to love. They have taught me sincerity. They have taught me there are other things to live for besides yourself. I will continue to express my love for them in my own words so that they can read them when they able too. I love my girls and I will show them these are not shallow words.

We love you too, Daddy.

You know we call it tips because it helps Daddy out. It helps him to understand us.
They have always, really been tips for a better Daddy. Also, I think it's no accident I find these letters to himself every so often.