Thin Line Between Genius And Insanity

January 7, 2013

  OK! My Daddy has officially lost his mind. He talks about masks he doesn't own, hats he doesn't wear. "Life is a stage", he says. "We're all just playing a part. Some can switch roles, others can't. Many refuse or don't desire to portray a different part besides their own. They say, "what's the point?". The point is persuasion, manipulation, anticipation, foresight , and Power. Is that a good enough point to stab like a diamond piercing your forehead?". Eww Daddy; we don't say that. "Sorry. I didn't mean it that way". Did I ever mention Daddy's favorite book is The 48 Laws of Power? It is. Daddy says "It's a most magnificent piece of literature; An inspirational belles lettre of non-fictional mastery."  (Whatever that means) Thanks Daddy! There could be clues in this book, I don't know. I could understand Daddy's insanity if I knew how to read. Daddy goes on to say "you have to wear a different mask for every situation. You follow me?" No, Daddy, but go on. "Let me stray of topic for a minute. The English language is a tricky collection of words. Every word holds a powerful meaning; how much emphasis we put on a word determines the weight the word puts on us. You still with me?". Carrying words? Weight? No, but continue.". We, who use this language on a day to day basis tend to mold it. Sculpt it into a form of weapon, an extension of the body, if you will." Do we have a choice? "No." OK.

"We wield this mighty instrument of peace and chaos. We all master the art; some don't acknowledge this gift of communication. Whether it be the practice of many, the ignorance of one, or the butchering of another, we must communicate. We eventually give words an additional meaning not originally intended. Our emotions once again, gain the upper hand, move ahead of the pack, take the wheel, and drive. It's so simple to understand. Yet, so difficult to comprehend. It is difficult to wake a mind up; after years of conditioning. It's hard to explain, when you girls are so young. I can still laugh though, because I will be repeating these words to you in many ways, shape, and forms; it will become second nature for you. The way religion is embedded in the minds of billions. You will have no choice, but to incorporate common sense, logic, respect, and reasoning into every facet of your lives" Hold on. What?

 "Take for instance the word selfish. A great example for the open minded. Self is the noun in the word. It represents the total, essential, or particular being of a person; the individual. Our consciousness of our own being or identity; our ego. -Ish is the suffix in the word. It is appended to many kinds of words; to suggest something typical or similar to. It is appended to adjectives to mean somewhat, appended to numbers-especially times and ages-to signify "about" or "approximately", appended to roots; denoting names of nations or regions, to "be of" a nationality, region, place, or the language associated with a place. So you see, there is nothing bad, harmful or dreaded about the word selfish. We convince our children to share when they are young, to later learn: don't trust or depend on anyone, but yourself. Confusing, like the phrase "don't hide behind a mask".

 "When I say masks. Many would get offended by the word, as if you were "covering who you are to fit in". If I had said "wear a different hat for every occasion", the reception of this thought wouldn't have been misconstrued. It would have been received as being prepared for any situation. If I can get the world to see this simple truth of our observation on reality and how we control it; I could begin to believe we can be more than drones, puppets and robots. We must use every moment to our advantage. Swim with the fishes, long enough. then, break off and take an alternate route. It will only help you to prosper and you will be surprised to know you have followers." Wait one minute. You just spoke of masks, the weight of words, molding, sculpting, weapons, instruments, butchering, driving, sharing, back to masks again, then to hats, fish, puppets and robots, and expect to have followers? I think it's time to get Daddy some serious professional help. Don't you?

I Remember You, Do You Remember Me?

January 6, 2013

Hi, remember me?
                I was two years old when we last saw each other. I have hazel green eyes, brown with light brown streaked hair, and many features in a face that clearly resembles your own. From what Daddy says, the very same look in my eyes, as you did. I am the child who lived in a big family. Two sisters and me. Then, it became three, me, my Mommy, and my Daddy everyday. I am the baby who crawled with one leg on the ground and the other one walking, remember?  The child who made you so proud when we sang our ABC's together. I am the baby who watched my Daddy go to work nearly every single day, while you  took care of me, India, and Jazmine, with Alyssia in your belly. I am your third daughter. I loved the color pink, and spaghetti and meatballs, I was the one who used to stand at the age of one, even though I couldn't walk, yet. My first word was Daddy. I am the baby who he drove to Bay View Hospital, on a stormy July sixth night as you caressed me in your stomach, while telling Daddy it was too far to drive to Franklin Square to have me.  Daddy's first child. The one who traveled on a greyhound bus to Brooklyn, N.Y. alone with him to meet his Mommy, before she died, my namesake in her hospital room when I was only 3 months of age. I spent two years of my life with you and two years of my life missing you.

 Do you remember the first day I walked? In front of Jazmines school? They were having a picnic on Dundalk Elementary's lawn for the 1st graders. I was afraid to walk on the hard surface of floors in our house; fearing the pain of falling. We didn't have carpets and the rugs were to thin. I was introduced to soft grass and dirt that day, the fear was gone. I took a shot; and I did walk. Five consecutive steps that afternoon. Daddy recorded that moment. We watch it sometimes. It's in his collection, along with countless photos and videos of us as babies. Daddy said he doesn't want us to grow up without remembering what's important. People tend to forget what's important, don't you think?  Daddy also says, "only the uneducated can forget what matters most and only the foolish think they can forget." Do you remember how Daddy was? The over thinker? I'm sure you haven't forgot. It hasn't changed-it's even worse. Remember when he said he would read The 48 Laws Of Power to us as we slept? I've heard Daddy talk a great deal about a book called Mastery, the next muse I suppose. I'm happy to have him around, I couldn't imagine life without him.

 We learn so much;Alyssia and I. It is mainly through Daddy's guidance-and a little of my own common sense-that I have come to a few conclusions during my life, thus far..... I am a wonderful person. I am a beautiful human being. I am somebody. I am the future. I am my own worse enemy. I changed my favorite color to red. I love spaghetti and meatballs more than ever. I can count to twenty. I recognize all the letters in the alphabet, pronounce the sounds they make, and I can even write them on our chalkboard or on paper. I start kindergarten in September. I will read before the summer. I still walk on my toes. I have long beautiful hair. I have manners and will correct anyone on theirs. I like to boss other children around. I have feelings. I talk to much. Not enough for Daddy. I love my sisters, I know who they are. I am the daughter of a man who has never left my side. I am great. I have nothing to worry about. I am loved and never will I doubt this. Daddy proves this with his meals-he loves to cook- to fill our stomachs, his deep thoughts to feed our minds, his high level of cleanliness of our cloths, body, and teeth, his humor to refresh our souls with laughter, his singing to boost our spirits, his motivation; to inspire the same, his confidence; so we never second guess ourselves, his light to brighten our future; so we can see the way, and most importantly; his heart.

 It's been so long since I've last seen your face. I ask Daddy where you are and so does Alyssia. All we ever get, with affliction is "Mommy's working. You'll see her someday". Daddy has all the answers except-for some reason-that one. I was wondering if you can look me in the eyes,identical to the pair you see in the mirror, hold both my hands, and tell me...Honestly?
Where you've been and what you've been doing?, where you work and live?, why haven't we seen you?, is Daddy telling us the truth about you working?, when will I see you again?, and what you're thinking as you read this?, I have one more question to ask because I love you.....
Do you remember me? I remember you.

Whats In A Name

January 2, 2013

 When we are born our parent or parents give us a name. Some are planned years or months in advance. Some are thought of at the day of birth, or days after. It is what we are called-our "label"-It is distinct. It belongs to us and only us. We use it everyday, and recognize it, when we hear it. Our name becomes and defines us, motivates and molds us. The way it is said projects intentions. From the very beginning, your name is on your birth certificate, written on your birthday cake, becomes your signature, and at the end of it all; ends up on your tombstone. You might have the same name as someone else, and still, your name feels unique when your Mommy or Daddy calls it; there's no doubt in your mind-they are calling you. We love to see our names in writing, on diplomas, degrees, and trophies. We like to see them in sports rosters, credits, and the spotlight. We love to hear it after the words, "The winner is, I love you, good job, and I missed you so much". The reversal to this is, we would rather not know our name, when we're asked "who did it?" or "who started it?" or when you hear your name called with such a tone, the only explanation is; You did something wrong. Our names are important to us.  Even more so, for adults considering they have had theirs a lot longer than we have. There are many who dislike and even despise their names. Whether they were named after someone they don't respect, named after something they don't like or perhaps they've grown tired of it all together and even have the desire to change it.  A few disregard their name, many embrace it.

 There is another form of  designation.  It could either be a shorter version of our name or something we have done to earn it.  They are called nicknames. They could be cute, ironic, obvious, irrelevant or funny. These nicknames-like our namesake-can be acquired during birth. Unlike our titles, it can be attained over time, in school, at work, through family members, through a childhood friend, or they can also be obtained by chance. Nicknames are created because they're easier to say, it's a traditional family by-name, or you gave it to yourself to better suit your likings. Lets face it, how could you get someones attention or how could you make contact with them from across a distance. What would yell out? Hey you? That could mean anyone. Daddy says our names so frequently, through the course of a day, it's almost as if he loves to hear himself say them. If it's not our names loud and clear, it's "pretty girl" or "baby" when he's getting upset.When the aggravation-shows it's smiling face-only towards me, you will here Mrs. Perez or simple baritone. Perez. Never have I heard him call us by anything else...He does have a habit of slipping and calling us by each others name, not frequently, but occasionally.

My question after the knowledge of this; Why do I hear parents call their children by other names? Is it that they don't like the name they gave to their offspring? Maybe, they made a mistake? Too difficult to pronounce? You would think after repeating it for years it would roll off the tongue like a melody. Instead, I hear names that can't possibly be their designated birth-name. A nick-name, maybe?  I've heard it in supermarkets, department stores, and other places parents reprimand. Calling their own creations "Stupid", "Dumb",  "Idiot", "Moron" or "Gay". How about "Retarded", "worthless", or "fat". Daddy doesn't let us use these words, but I'm only repeating what I've heard. Please don't tell Daddy. Ty. It hurts to hear these words; let alone imagine using these words as a description for a human being. Daddy told us we don't use bad words, at anytime anyone? No one likes to be called anything but their name. Even if, its "Tattle-Tail", "Copy- cat", "Meany" or "Greedy". We would rather hear the comfort of a familiar voice calling our name. Someone we love, saying our name with pride, confidence, and certainty. 

My question again is why would a parent call their children these things if its not their name? Are we not a product of our parents or guardians? Are we not their offspring? A chip off the old block? Like father like son? Like mother like daughter? If the apple doesn't fall far from the tree doesn't that imply that anything a parent chooses to call their child is just a description of themselves? If your child was brilliant as a result of your intelligence wouldn't you call him or her that. So it's safe to say, if you call your child stupid, it's in direct relation to your own stupidity?, and isn't name calling punishable by law? So I ask my Daddy. He looked at me; his hands preparing to sign(Daddy talks with his hands) and said " name calling is when there is a lack of vocabulary in a persons mind. When a person is unable to articulate their thoughts. They resort to name calling to escape they're trouble with the English language. It can also be when someone is so aggravated with someone-be it an adult or a child-they make the mistake of letting their temper get the best of them. Some feel regret after they realized what they had done and for some, name calling is all they were taught growing up; it's all they know.". "Did their mommy and daddy teach them to be that way?", Alyssia asked. "Unfortunately, it's sad to say, in most cases, yes". "Why, Daddy?". "That, I couldn't tell you, Alyssia."


 Daddy's eyes looked up from the floor. His gaze now on us; with a deep breath and said "I can tell you this, pretty girls, I will teach you to pay close attention to labels-much like any words you hear-to decipher whether or not they are a basic description, a polite gesture, a humorous term of endearment, a compliment, sign of respect, a display of affection, an insult, disrespect, abusive, or irrelevant. Along with that, comes my duty to educate you on the horrible truth of the untamed, undisciplined, and emotionally denied, the majority of our society's motivational inclination, and their indifference of the whole situation. It will be hard at times; I know. I just hope I can prepare you the best I can, for all this, and yet, it is not my greatest concern. My greatest concern is to train you to be aware of your surroundings, situation, possibilities, advantages, strategy and respect. To hard wire in you, the power and control you have over yourself. It is one of the many ways I can show you, I love you".
"We love you too, Daddy, but you could of just told us"
"I tell you I love you all the time, that's easy. Showing you through example is what makes me Daddy."

Happy New Year, 2013!

January 1, 2013

"Happy new year Maritza!!". "Happy new year Alyssia!!".
What is this we've been hearing all day. We don't remember hearing it before. It doesn't seem familiar. what does it mean?....we ask our Daddy & Daddy said, "the whole world celebrates the coming of a "new year". When the earth makes a full cycle around the sun and so do the people that inhabit it. The earth renews itself. It is once again in the position it has been in 365 days ago. The third rock from the sun and its animals follow a very predictable pattern. We as human beings follow a different path. We have the ability to choose our paths, we can change our pattern from year to year, or keep it the same, if we like. That is why the new year is so important for most. We can look back at all of our accomplishments and all of our mistakes. All the events that have changed our lifestyle, way of living, and way of thinking. A look back as if judgement day was upon us. There is an abundance of treasure in the gift of memory. Every moment is a gem, from the most common, everyday lessons, to the rarest, valuable forms of education through our hardships. Avoiding the past, is to be ashamed of it. Yes, we should never dwell on anything, instead, we should observe. Be our own observer. We must learn from example, and what better example then the one we have lived through this past year. The one we had front row seats for, all year long. The "new year" is first, a celebration of the old, a fantastic capability to look back at it all. To know you made it. To have all that behind you. Ready for a new.

 The word new-from what we know- is a clean, refreshing Like our new coats or our new boots. Or, better yet our new Christmas toys. So when we hear about a new year we want one too!! Daddy says "it's not like that but it's something like that." Huh? He said "it's like it's brand new. A new perspective, outlook, beginning, and hopefully attitude. Like a new toy right out off the box." Then we wanna see it. "You won't be able to physically see it" he said. "The new year is like an imaginary clean slate, which you can do what you will. Or, you can leave it in the box and wonder as you stare at it through the plastic.". "Can we play with it?", we both asked. "Not really, but if you think about it; yes you could probably play with it"-"So can we?", we asked abrubtly. Daddy chuckled, paused and said "you will get your chance. Unfortunately. you won't know if you played with the new year until it's over". With a bit of confusion in our minds we replied "That's not fair"Daddy quick with his words said, simply "Life's not fair girls. I'll teach you that". Observing the frowns on our face, he then added "It will be a ride to remember. My slate is like most. Filled with plans and maps on how my hopes and wants will unfold in the new year. The joys of spring. The energy of summer. The fun days at the beach, the pool, and the parks. Relaxing by the water, having a picnic, and the fact that I have my two girls with me, is the major plus to any year; and let's not forget you start school this year, Maritza". "Schooooool, yeaaaa......does this mean I won't see you and Alyssia all year long", I asked with concern. "No, it doesn't. You will be with us the entire year, from beginning to end". A sigh of relief expelled from my body as Daddy went on to tell us. "There are some who make the most of the "new year" and some who don't. There are those who are a victim to life's  circumstances & there are those who are a victim to their own circumstances. Those who will not let themselves remain a victim; work on change. It is a daunting task. It takes a lot of effort, time and dedication. Too much at times but we get through if we try. We look to the NEW Year as a way to give us that incentive and motivation to change. Even if it's minor . It's a lot to take in so look at this year 2013 as if you were sitting in a new car and Daddy was driving....
Buckle up. Sit back and enjoy the ride."
That's what will do and that's why we love our Daddy.
Happy New Year!!!!
We can't wait to see it.

I Now Know

     I Now Know                                                     

There is someone out there, who won't face me?
I just don't know.
There is someone out there, someone besides me?
I just don't know.
There is no-one out there, maybe its just me?
You never know.
There is no one out there that will replace me.
This, I do know.

Until that no-one becomes your everything, mind, body and soul.
You stop and drop everything, kindness, caring, and growth.
It didn't happen quick, or fast as some would say.
The process was a slow, natural, form of decay.
I was once that sparkle in your eye. The beat in your heart,
The reason you cried, when we are apart.


When did my face not make you smile.
When did loving me, cramp your style.
When did my hugs, not fill you with love.
When did you stop, the beyond and above.
When did my giggles, not make you laugh.
When did my efforts, not make you glad.
When did my trophy of number one,
become second place.
When did unconditional love,
become a race.

It's when I was no longer, your rush and your high.
Your drive, your desire, your reason to survive.
Your reason to leave in the middle of the night,
Your reason to give me your very last bite.
Your reason to spend your very last dollar,
because I needed milk, medicine or diapers

Now there's someone else, I see them standing there,
Who is it I wonder? Who has captured your stare
Who is this new twinkle in your eye?
Your reason for living, your reason to die.

There is someone out there who won't face me.
This I now know
There is someone out there that has replaced me.
Please let me know
Who that someone is? Why won't you introduce?
The answer for that is, I'm to young to know the truth.


It is  now, that I'm older, I'm not that little kid.
I know what happened, and I know what you did.
I couldn't give you the answer for the why? or for the how?
The same went for you with your "Not here, not now".
I asked you long ago to prevent the way I am feeling at this moment
I couldn't forgive that someone, No room for atonement.
I couldn't believe it took this long for me to come up with an answer,
More like the many reasons, you headed towards disaster

I finally found out the name of that someone you loved
That someone who took away, your spirit and your love.
But, that someone's not a person, No, not a person at all.
That someone is drugs. And I do,
forgive you for it all.

-Anonymous

10/5/2011

Daddy, Can I Talk With You?

``November 9, 2012


  You know the feeling when you're trying to get your point across or finish your sentence and someone constantly interrupts you? The agony the brain feels when it is done processing information and comes to a conclusion, and you're not allowed express it? I feel it everyday I come into a battle of wits with my Daddy. It starts of slow and easy then erupts into a all out war of the minds. At the height of our quarrel, it is sufficient to say, I do not posses the capacity of knowledge that he does, and I may not have lived as long as him, but I want to be heard! Daddy claims, he knows what I am about to say from the first couple words and a close observation of my body language. OK, that's fine, but I want to hear my sentence from the first word to the very last. I don't want to lose my train of thought even for an instant. When that happens, I begin to direct my anger at him, instead of the reason for my anger. I begin to lose my grasp on the conversation, confusion sets in, I start to doubt my own words, shortly after, my mind. I want to be confident like his assertiveness towards Alyssia and I. Speaking of which, I could only imagine the moment Alyssia and I, team up and utilize the very skills, confidence, common sense, and deductive logic used to raise, discipline, sculpt, and train us.

 There's a phrase Daddy's been using for the past couple of months? He says something to inform us of his grasp on the situation, then ends with "It's because I smart". We have been taught how to speak, so we know that sentence is inappropriate. Me, being the smart one(not to mention the only one between Alyssia and myself to articulate our words) I would tell him "It's not, I smart, It's I'm smart" After numerous attempts of correction, he gets the hint and follows with a corrected "I am smart". It took some patience, something Daddy says we do not have, I beg to differ. We have as much patience as the next kid. Still, Daddy says we should practice having patience more often. In return, Daddy should make it a point to practice the same, but I'm wouldn't say that directly to him. Out of respect and all, a characteristic learned by example. Much like hearing us out, letting us finish our sentences, anger, serenity, passiveness, frustration, aggressiveness, and politeness, right?  "Monkey see, monkey do. What I see you do, I do too!"  We soak it up like a sponge and squeeze out what we don't need and retain the rest.  My question, is it his personality that hinders his ability to hear us out or is it his "parenting skills" hard at work? I haven't quite figured that one out, yet.

  Daddy's parenting skills are resilient, unyielding and relentless. Here's a tiny tidbit of information to help you to understand his ways. Daddy always ask us a question, and when I say that I mean, when he notices us doing something we need correction or guidance on he will ask a Question. He has been like this since I've known him. He would ask us "Why would you?", "How could you?, or "Are you supposed to be doing that?" Rarely, do we receive a demand or an order and only when he reaches his boiling point, but he does well at keeping his composure and asking questions. I asked him "why?", and his reply was "I ask because I want you to realize(one of Daddy's favorite words) what is going on, I want you to be aware(another one of Daddy's favorites) of what you girls are doing. Anyone can belt out commands in hope that you listen out of fear. I want you to be aware (there's that word again) of your actions and their consequences."

 One evening, halfway through our dinner, without any food in my mouth(I know how he gets), I said "Daddy, can I have more,  when I am done eating? Daddy finished chewing, swallowed, and asked with a crinkle between his brow and a look that could kill "Why are you asking for more, when you haven't even finished whats on your plate? That's called being greedy" I replied with my "newly invented way" of beginning a sentence when I talk to him, "But, Daddy! I was just asking for more because"- Daddy interrupts with "I asked you, why would you ask for more and you're not finished with what you have?"-"But Daddy! I was asking because I"- again he silences me. His voice is stronger and deeper than my tiny voice, even though I've learned how to project it more. "Why don't you concern yourself with what's in front of you?" he said again with a question "But Daddy"-an echo with bass, follows "But, Daddy?" His words are not yelled out or said out of anger. They are confident, and overpowering, with each sentence, the instinct to reply becomes overwhelming to the point of overbearing. "You don't have to begin every sentence with, but Daddy."

 Daddy is quick with his words, to get a word in edgewise is an accomplishment that I had to achieve at this very moment in our discussion. I looked at him across the table and said "Daddy!!" I didn't yell(that would infuriate him),"Can I talk with you?". "Sure " he replied. "Go ahead" I stared him in the eyes as I told him "The reason I wanted more is because it's so good and I don't know if there is going to be any left" He looked at me with a laughter behind his words and said in the form of another question "What if you aren't hungry after you're done eating? How about we wait until you are done, and if you still want more, I'll get you more. Does that sound good to you?" "Yes, Daddy" I said, then he returns with "good, now wasn't that easier?" With a mouth full of food, I shook my head yes. In my mind I was thinking the same. "If he was referring to the fact he finally listened?", Yes I would have to agree. It was easier. So, I've come to the conclusion, that I have to be as persistent as Daddy is, when it comes to teaching him how to listen.  To me.

Letter Addressed To Heaven

                                                                                                                                     November 6, 2012


Dear Mommy,
       
    The most wonderful thing happened yesterday. It's the kind of event you would gather everyone you love and celebrate. It would be considered the party of the century. Barbara would be there with Lucinio and Sammi, the tears pouring from Barbara's eyes. Normally I would crack a joke, in hopes to change her mood, but those were tears of joy and you know, when it comes to those types of tears, the best thing to do is to let them flow. Ben would be there... wearing a smile from ear to ear, with his arm over my shoulders, telling me that he never had a doubt, while eyeing my friend Katie. Katie has done so much for the girls and I. Many holidays would not have been, if it  wasn't for her. She has shown me, not everyone gives for the sake of what they hope to gain in return. The Woodley's would be there, Dawn, Stephen, Leo, Skyler, and Mom. Mom is Stephens mother, Her and I partake in conversations you and I would engage in, if you were still alive. How I enjoy the talks we have. Dawn would be crying too. She's as emotional as any mother would be. Even more so, since witnessing most of the scenery on the road I had to endure to get to this point in my life. I know her sister Tina would be there to lean on. She is good peoples like that. Another family attending, that  I am grateful to call my family is The Johnson's. Kenny, Jackie, Lil' Kenny, and Julia. Kenny is my Baltimore brother, him and his family have created so many memories for the girls and I. Memories that will stay with us forever. Grandma and Grandpa would be there, Tia, Jason, Yahaira, her husband Robert, and Jose Raul, all the way from Puerto Rico. Tia and I spoke on the phone, not to long ago. We had the longest conversation I have ever had with her. It reminded me of all the years we missed out on family and despite all those years, I was shown family will reach out a lending hand in times of need.

There are others I didn't mention that will be there too. They, like everyone else, would get the chance to meet my guest of honor. The women who is responsible for all this. The women who deserves all the credit. The women who not only taught me right from wrong, but also showed me by example, how a women should treat herself and her children.... That women is you, Mommy. You would be by my side, as I introduce you to those who, Maritza, Alyssia, and myself, call family. The people who made it a little less unbearable to be so far away from home. We would all be there to celebrate. Celebrate the day I gained full and sole custody of  my two beautiful angels. That's right Mommy...full and sole custody of your grandchildren. I know you would of preferred it this way. Every child deserves to have their mother in their life, especially little girls. I tried all that I could, and learned in the process, you can't force someone to put another before themselves, to take responsibility, or to be a caretaker. The process was long, frustrating, and heartbreaking, but with all that you have shown me, I made it through. There were times when all I wanted was for you to be there, like the day I found the text that proved to me "the mother of my children" was cheating on me. I imagined you coming to Baltimore, packing her things, putting them on the porch, and telling her "If you didn't want a family, you shouldn't of opened your legs! You Gotsta Go!!, and don't worry about the girls, we'll take it from here" She would get the point and I wouldn't feel so helpless.

 Now I just want you here, to see what I have become and most importantly what Maritza and Alyssia have become.  They are my perfect little girls. I am grateful for the chance to raise my girls, everyday, in my image. Nothing in the world, gives me more pleasure, than hearing their voices, answering their questions, and holding them, in my arms. I could not fathom the thought of "weekend visitation" and "Part-time parenting", much like the thought of raising my girls without your guidance. When you passed away, you took with you, my advice and help center for raising children, my back-up memory banks of my life, and the best grandmother my girls could have ever had. I would give anything to have seen the expression on your face or to feel the embrace of your hug, when the judge granted me the ability to raise my girls, with less uncertainty and more clarity. Their lives are in my hand, Mommy. The way Barbara, Ben, and my life were in your hands. People I know ask me "how do you do it?" I look at them in the eyes and say "I don't really know how I'm doing it", as the conversation fades, I come to the same conclusion every time. You did not struggle to show us you loved us. You did not stumble over your words as you told us "I love you". You did not question your parenting skills, or doubt your intentions. You never made us feel like we were unwanted and not once have you ever implied or told us "you hated us" You loved us from the bottom of your heart to the height of your being. Life was difficult, yes, but loving your children was easy, second nature. It is because of that attitude and outlook on life, that reminds me of one thing from my childhood......."It doesn't matter how much money you have or what horrible situation you might be going through, all you really have is each other"

Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for showing me how to love, how to care, and how to cry. Thank you for making me different, making my girls the bud of everyone's compliments. Thank you for my childhood, my memories and my example to follow. Of all the things I thank you for , I now know on this day, the most important.....I want to thank you for showing me how to be a Mommy. I love you and I will write again soon.

                                                                                                        Missing you dearly,
                                                                                                                  Andy