I Now Know

     I Now Know                                                     

There is someone out there, who won't face me?
I just don't know.
There is someone out there, someone besides me?
I just don't know.
There is no-one out there, maybe its just me?
You never know.
There is no one out there that will replace me.
This, I do know.

Until that no-one becomes your everything, mind, body and soul.
You stop and drop everything, kindness, caring, and growth.
It didn't happen quick, or fast as some would say.
The process was a slow, natural, form of decay.
I was once that sparkle in your eye. The beat in your heart,
The reason you cried, when we are apart.


When did my face not make you smile.
When did loving me, cramp your style.
When did my hugs, not fill you with love.
When did you stop, the beyond and above.
When did my giggles, not make you laugh.
When did my efforts, not make you glad.
When did my trophy of number one,
become second place.
When did unconditional love,
become a race.

It's when I was no longer, your rush and your high.
Your drive, your desire, your reason to survive.
Your reason to leave in the middle of the night,
Your reason to give me your very last bite.
Your reason to spend your very last dollar,
because I needed milk, medicine or diapers

Now there's someone else, I see them standing there,
Who is it I wonder? Who has captured your stare
Who is this new twinkle in your eye?
Your reason for living, your reason to die.

There is someone out there who won't face me.
This I now know
There is someone out there that has replaced me.
Please let me know
Who that someone is? Why won't you introduce?
The answer for that is, I'm to young to know the truth.


It is  now, that I'm older, I'm not that little kid.
I know what happened, and I know what you did.
I couldn't give you the answer for the why? or for the how?
The same went for you with your "Not here, not now".
I asked you long ago to prevent the way I am feeling at this moment
I couldn't forgive that someone, No room for atonement.
I couldn't believe it took this long for me to come up with an answer,
More like the many reasons, you headed towards disaster

I finally found out the name of that someone you loved
That someone who took away, your spirit and your love.
But, that someone's not a person, No, not a person at all.
That someone is drugs. And I do,
forgive you for it all.

-Anonymous

10/5/2011

Daddy, Can I Talk With You?

``November 9, 2012


  You know the feeling when you're trying to get your point across or finish your sentence and someone constantly interrupts you? The agony the brain feels when it is done processing information and comes to a conclusion, and you're not allowed express it? I feel it everyday I come into a battle of wits with my Daddy. It starts of slow and easy then erupts into a all out war of the minds. At the height of our quarrel, it is sufficient to say, I do not posses the capacity of knowledge that he does, and I may not have lived as long as him, but I want to be heard! Daddy claims, he knows what I am about to say from the first couple words and a close observation of my body language. OK, that's fine, but I want to hear my sentence from the first word to the very last. I don't want to lose my train of thought even for an instant. When that happens, I begin to direct my anger at him, instead of the reason for my anger. I begin to lose my grasp on the conversation, confusion sets in, I start to doubt my own words, shortly after, my mind. I want to be confident like his assertiveness towards Alyssia and I. Speaking of which, I could only imagine the moment Alyssia and I, team up and utilize the very skills, confidence, common sense, and deductive logic used to raise, discipline, sculpt, and train us.

 There's a phrase Daddy's been using for the past couple of months? He says something to inform us of his grasp on the situation, then ends with "It's because I smart". We have been taught how to speak, so we know that sentence is inappropriate. Me, being the smart one(not to mention the only one between Alyssia and myself to articulate our words) I would tell him "It's not, I smart, It's I'm smart" After numerous attempts of correction, he gets the hint and follows with a corrected "I am smart". It took some patience, something Daddy says we do not have, I beg to differ. We have as much patience as the next kid. Still, Daddy says we should practice having patience more often. In return, Daddy should make it a point to practice the same, but I'm wouldn't say that directly to him. Out of respect and all, a characteristic learned by example. Much like hearing us out, letting us finish our sentences, anger, serenity, passiveness, frustration, aggressiveness, and politeness, right?  "Monkey see, monkey do. What I see you do, I do too!"  We soak it up like a sponge and squeeze out what we don't need and retain the rest.  My question, is it his personality that hinders his ability to hear us out or is it his "parenting skills" hard at work? I haven't quite figured that one out, yet.

  Daddy's parenting skills are resilient, unyielding and relentless. Here's a tiny tidbit of information to help you to understand his ways. Daddy always ask us a question, and when I say that I mean, when he notices us doing something we need correction or guidance on he will ask a Question. He has been like this since I've known him. He would ask us "Why would you?", "How could you?, or "Are you supposed to be doing that?" Rarely, do we receive a demand or an order and only when he reaches his boiling point, but he does well at keeping his composure and asking questions. I asked him "why?", and his reply was "I ask because I want you to realize(one of Daddy's favorite words) what is going on, I want you to be aware(another one of Daddy's favorites) of what you girls are doing. Anyone can belt out commands in hope that you listen out of fear. I want you to be aware (there's that word again) of your actions and their consequences."

 One evening, halfway through our dinner, without any food in my mouth(I know how he gets), I said "Daddy, can I have more,  when I am done eating? Daddy finished chewing, swallowed, and asked with a crinkle between his brow and a look that could kill "Why are you asking for more, when you haven't even finished whats on your plate? That's called being greedy" I replied with my "newly invented way" of beginning a sentence when I talk to him, "But, Daddy! I was just asking for more because"- Daddy interrupts with "I asked you, why would you ask for more and you're not finished with what you have?"-"But Daddy! I was asking because I"- again he silences me. His voice is stronger and deeper than my tiny voice, even though I've learned how to project it more. "Why don't you concern yourself with what's in front of you?" he said again with a question "But Daddy"-an echo with bass, follows "But, Daddy?" His words are not yelled out or said out of anger. They are confident, and overpowering, with each sentence, the instinct to reply becomes overwhelming to the point of overbearing. "You don't have to begin every sentence with, but Daddy."

 Daddy is quick with his words, to get a word in edgewise is an accomplishment that I had to achieve at this very moment in our discussion. I looked at him across the table and said "Daddy!!" I didn't yell(that would infuriate him),"Can I talk with you?". "Sure " he replied. "Go ahead" I stared him in the eyes as I told him "The reason I wanted more is because it's so good and I don't know if there is going to be any left" He looked at me with a laughter behind his words and said in the form of another question "What if you aren't hungry after you're done eating? How about we wait until you are done, and if you still want more, I'll get you more. Does that sound good to you?" "Yes, Daddy" I said, then he returns with "good, now wasn't that easier?" With a mouth full of food, I shook my head yes. In my mind I was thinking the same. "If he was referring to the fact he finally listened?", Yes I would have to agree. It was easier. So, I've come to the conclusion, that I have to be as persistent as Daddy is, when it comes to teaching him how to listen.  To me.

Letter Addressed To Heaven

                                                                                                                                     November 6, 2012


Dear Mommy,
       
    The most wonderful thing happened yesterday. It's the kind of event you would gather everyone you love and celebrate. It would be considered the party of the century. Barbara would be there with Lucinio and Sammi, the tears pouring from Barbara's eyes. Normally I would crack a joke, in hopes to change her mood, but those were tears of joy and you know, when it comes to those types of tears, the best thing to do is to let them flow. Ben would be there... wearing a smile from ear to ear, with his arm over my shoulders, telling me that he never had a doubt, while eyeing my friend Katie. Katie has done so much for the girls and I. Many holidays would not have been, if it  wasn't for her. She has shown me, not everyone gives for the sake of what they hope to gain in return. The Woodley's would be there, Dawn, Stephen, Leo, Skyler, and Mom. Mom is Stephens mother, Her and I partake in conversations you and I would engage in, if you were still alive. How I enjoy the talks we have. Dawn would be crying too. She's as emotional as any mother would be. Even more so, since witnessing most of the scenery on the road I had to endure to get to this point in my life. I know her sister Tina would be there to lean on. She is good peoples like that. Another family attending, that  I am grateful to call my family is The Johnson's. Kenny, Jackie, Lil' Kenny, and Julia. Kenny is my Baltimore brother, him and his family have created so many memories for the girls and I. Memories that will stay with us forever. Grandma and Grandpa would be there, Tia, Jason, Yahaira, her husband Robert, and Jose Raul, all the way from Puerto Rico. Tia and I spoke on the phone, not to long ago. We had the longest conversation I have ever had with her. It reminded me of all the years we missed out on family and despite all those years, I was shown family will reach out a lending hand in times of need.

There are others I didn't mention that will be there too. They, like everyone else, would get the chance to meet my guest of honor. The women who is responsible for all this. The women who deserves all the credit. The women who not only taught me right from wrong, but also showed me by example, how a women should treat herself and her children.... That women is you, Mommy. You would be by my side, as I introduce you to those who, Maritza, Alyssia, and myself, call family. The people who made it a little less unbearable to be so far away from home. We would all be there to celebrate. Celebrate the day I gained full and sole custody of  my two beautiful angels. That's right Mommy...full and sole custody of your grandchildren. I know you would of preferred it this way. Every child deserves to have their mother in their life, especially little girls. I tried all that I could, and learned in the process, you can't force someone to put another before themselves, to take responsibility, or to be a caretaker. The process was long, frustrating, and heartbreaking, but with all that you have shown me, I made it through. There were times when all I wanted was for you to be there, like the day I found the text that proved to me "the mother of my children" was cheating on me. I imagined you coming to Baltimore, packing her things, putting them on the porch, and telling her "If you didn't want a family, you shouldn't of opened your legs! You Gotsta Go!!, and don't worry about the girls, we'll take it from here" She would get the point and I wouldn't feel so helpless.

 Now I just want you here, to see what I have become and most importantly what Maritza and Alyssia have become.  They are my perfect little girls. I am grateful for the chance to raise my girls, everyday, in my image. Nothing in the world, gives me more pleasure, than hearing their voices, answering their questions, and holding them, in my arms. I could not fathom the thought of "weekend visitation" and "Part-time parenting", much like the thought of raising my girls without your guidance. When you passed away, you took with you, my advice and help center for raising children, my back-up memory banks of my life, and the best grandmother my girls could have ever had. I would give anything to have seen the expression on your face or to feel the embrace of your hug, when the judge granted me the ability to raise my girls, with less uncertainty and more clarity. Their lives are in my hand, Mommy. The way Barbara, Ben, and my life were in your hands. People I know ask me "how do you do it?" I look at them in the eyes and say "I don't really know how I'm doing it", as the conversation fades, I come to the same conclusion every time. You did not struggle to show us you loved us. You did not stumble over your words as you told us "I love you". You did not question your parenting skills, or doubt your intentions. You never made us feel like we were unwanted and not once have you ever implied or told us "you hated us" You loved us from the bottom of your heart to the height of your being. Life was difficult, yes, but loving your children was easy, second nature. It is because of that attitude and outlook on life, that reminds me of one thing from my childhood......."It doesn't matter how much money you have or what horrible situation you might be going through, all you really have is each other"

Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for showing me how to love, how to care, and how to cry. Thank you for making me different, making my girls the bud of everyone's compliments. Thank you for my childhood, my memories and my example to follow. Of all the things I thank you for , I now know on this day, the most important.....I want to thank you for showing me how to be a Mommy. I love you and I will write again soon.

                                                                                                        Missing you dearly,
                                                                                                                  Andy

Raising Us Is Not A Part Time Job.

November 12, 2012


 Wake up, bright and early, seven, eight, even nine, depending if our cousins, Leo or Skyler, wake up before we do. Aunt Dawn is usually up before we all are. She's the Mommy of the house. We don't quite understand or concern ourselves with, why our mommy isn't around, yet, but we do know what a mommy is.  Sort of like Daddy, except soft, gentle and squishy. Especially in the booby area. Daddy says "men don't have boobies, we have a chest." OK, Daddy, they're still boobies, just not as squishy. After we all wake up, it's time for breakfast. Aunt Dawn makes the breakfast and lunch, Daddy makes dinner. This is our normal routine. It changes from time to time, and that's OK. When we are done eating-it's upstairs to brush our teeth. Joined by Skyler (Leo on weekends) we scrub our teeth to a "Squeaky clean" Daddy says, as he rubs his finger along his front teeth, to prove to us they really do squeak. The same way you check if plastic is truly clean. Something random, Daddy taught us.

  "Learning time" as Daddy puts it, is a time period between the hours of 9am and lunch time. We sit in the living room and watch sprout, Nick Jr., or The Letter Factory. Daddy loves The Letter Factory. He says "If you can remember all the sounds the letters make, you are ready for me to teach you how to read" I think I'm ready. We love to watch TV with Daddy, and to tell you the truth, I think Daddy enjoys it more than we do. You should see him. Let's take Team Umizoomi for instance, when they asks us a question, Daddy pauses(He waits till the very last second, maybe it takes him that long to get the right answer) then he shouts out the correct answer, every time. He's really good at it. He has never been wrong, amazing, right?  Why wouldn't we want to be just like him? We are encouraged by this and answer along with him, whenever possible. Whether we get the question right or wrong, Daddy still cheers us on. Daddy's favorite line now a days, with his thumb in the air, is "GOOD JOB!" Alyssia picked up on it, and is now saying it to Daddy. Every time he does something for her, it's "Good Job Daddy" with her little thumb way up in the air.

 When the morning reaches the afternoon, we prepare for the day ahead. We put on our cloths, brush and style our hair, and sit in the dining room to eat lunch. Daddy usually sits at the table with us. He says eating meals with us is a sure fire way for us to observe and practice proper etiquette. "Respect, common sense, and logic" Daddy's favorite words. Our favorite words are, playtime, snacks, and lets go outside, just to name a few. If it's nice outside, we get to go play out front. Lately it has been too cold. No worry though, we have plenty of things to do. Coloring is one of our favorite. Sometimes, Daddy colors with us. His pictures look so beautiful when he's finished. I want to ask him "how do you color so perfectly in the lines?". Instead, I just take a peek.You can learn so much, just by observing. The same can be said for sitting back (preferably with Daddy) and watching a movie. Daddy doesn't seem to know what is going on in the movie, though. He always asks us "What's going on?","What just happened?", or "How do you think the main character feels, right now?". Aren't you paying attention, Daddy? Still, we are more than gladly to clue him in. We appreciate the time he spends with us, because most times he is either cleaning cloths, washing dishes, or cooking.Very busy man, our Daddy is. He rarely sits down. When he does, it's not for long.

 Dinner is served. The meal consist of a meat, starch, and vegetable. We have our drink after we're done, and a snack after that. This is the last we get to eat or drink for the day. Not to long after dinner, we partake in the ritual of cleaning our body and teeth. Everyday, Daddy is there, to help us with our daily routine and activities, and everyday we learn to do a little more, without his help. Keep in mind, we still manage to get Daddy to wipe our butts after we poop, despite our urge to be independent. Think about it. If you could have someone wipe your butt once in awhile-you would too. Who wouldn't? Just like, who wouldn't want to be played with, read to, tickled, kissed and tucked in before they were told goodnight, by the person they love most? It's the pinnacle of our day. We look forward to it and we wouldn't trade it for the world. Daddy always says "To end a day with a smile is to be truly blessed". Well Daddy, if you are the reason why we smile and the reason we end everyday, seeing your face......Then yes, Daddy. We are truly blessed.

Never Take It For Granted

October 23, 2012

Daddy wrote us a letter, again. He told us, whether we are together or apart we will always be in his heart and mind, forever. We love our Daddy. We tell him everyday and he tells us the same. I wonder if everyone is as fortunate as we are. Of course we can't read it yet, but that doesn't mean you can't read it for us, and for that we thank you.

To Maritza & Alyssia, my air, my mind (for without it, I could not live),

 The day is fast approaching, when we must leave this place. The place where you two were born and my life was given true meaning. You wont realize this until you read this letter, and by then it will just be a memory of a time when you were too young to remember. A time that will only be spoken of when we talk about the family we left behind. I wish we could take The Woodley's & The Johnson's with us. Come to think of it, we will. They have seen you's grow, they remember you as infants, and most of all, they have loved you as their own. I will always remind you of the family you have in Baltimore. I will always pay respects to the city that gave me my two princesses, my angels, my shining stars, even though I have been through more turmoil and disgust in the past three years in Baltimore, than all my twenty-seven years in New York City.

 In this day and age, most men don't raise their children or get the chance to raise their children, like I do. The fact is, most don't want to. For those that do, it becomes difficult for both the father and the children. The child begins to live in two worlds. The mothers (the majority of the time) and the fathers (one or two weekends, if he's fortunate). The mothers word in this world is law. I fear it everyday. Maybe, that's why I don't take for granted the privileges that I have, of being in you lives, day in and day out. Not a moment goes by that I forget my luxuries. The meals I prepare for you, I know what you don't like and which foods are your favorites. I cook like my mother, because I enjoy my little kitchen helpers by my side, and microwaving a dinner doesn't create moments, it takes them away. Luxuries like washing your cloths, from your pillow cases, to your socks, stuffed animals and blankets. I know which ones are yours, Maritza, and which ones belong to you, Alyssia. Luxuries like clipping your nails, brushing your teeth, and yes, even wiping your butts after you use the potty. Brushing your hair, giving you baths, and keeping you clean. I love putting lotion smiley, sad, angry, and surprised faces on the back of your hands, and the tops of your feet, right before the tickle monster comes after your dressed to go to sleep.  I enjoy and respect most importantly, educating, nurturing, and guiding you. My wisdom will become your knowledge.

  Sometimes Maritza & Alyssia, I can't help but feel this unexplainable feeling in the pit of my stomach. If I had to try. I would have to say, anxiety mixed with uncertainty, dipped in panic, rolled in torment, and baked in an oven of outrage. I worry that what we have wont last forever. That in an instant our situation will change and you will be taken away from me. Society can be cruel that way. I can lie and guarantee you the world and everything in it, but that's all it would be, a lie, if you are not raised by me, live with me, or enjoy life with me. The world has no idea what I am trying to establish. What I am trying to accomplish. Long before you will read, and fully understand this letter. You will understand, I am not working vigorously to keep you alive (that's simple). I am not struggling to guarantee your safety (that's a given). I am not frustrated on giving you my attention(that's easy). I am not skeptical of your future (what I do, while you are a child, is were my focus lies). You will understand, I am aware. I am coherent. Apprehensive of  my morals, creativity, compassion, inspiration, loyalty, curiosity, rationality, my emotions, my life, and my ability to process information. You will know this, my babies, my daughters, because I will instil this deep in your heart, mind, and soul. The world is a scary place, but so is the dark without a flashlight to shine the way.

 I will be your light, your guide, your strength. Your tissue to catch your tears, your pillow to rest your head. I will be your cheerleader on the sidelines, no matter the score. I will step back to let you fall, because falling helps you to learn, to pick yourself back up. I will commend your accomplishments and also your mistakes. I will be that ear you need to tell your story, that hug you need when you feel angry. I will be your father with a stern and confident position, and at times your friend, so you could understand any situation. I know that sometimes you wont like my decisions, but I hope these letters I write will help to ease your confusion. I don't know what the future holds and I don't care, because right now in my life I have two of the most beautiful, caring, loving girls that I have ever known. I look at my life and wonder, what I have done to receive the hell that life is serving me now, but then I look at my life with you two in it... and I got exactly what I deserved.
Thank you, my Daddy's little girls. I promise you I won't let you down.


 

Roll Models

October 23, 2012

 We have seen many people in our lives come and go, some we remember, most of them we don't. The only person that matters and never will be forgotten, is a person raising children and not spoiling them rotten. It's easy to give in and forget about discipline, where would that lead us, in this world that we live in. Full time, Part time or no time will be remembered by your children, when they are out of control, you're confused, because you can't think of a reason. Not concerned with a moment or a minute of their time, you think keeping them alive will do just fine. Attention is what any child on earth is out to seek, have you ever spoke with your child just to hear them speak? Their mind and their thoughts all come from you, don't ignore the slightest idea and pay attention to their view. Parents tend to think that a child can raise themselves, when all they look for is knowledge that you project from yourself. If the projection is baron the next step is the truth, a child will learn from someone even if its not you. When your child sounds foreign, peculiar, and bizarre, it's because you didn't think it was important to take it that far. Manners, politeness, well spoken, and clean, is definitely not something you can learn from the streets. We watch you and copy, whatever it might be, from your laziness, motivation, and everything that you eat. Confidence, insecurity, how strong, or how weak, the way you read to us, or don't, our bedtime stories. Your accomplishments, your triumphs, your blaze to glory, your downfall, your failures your incredible stories. Why do we mimic, copy, and repeat?, the fact that you're the parent is all the reason that we need. When we grow up and all you hear is praise, it says you did a great job raising your children that way. When all you here is negativity about how your child acts, it's because when they were young you would give them nothing to give back. A child is your sculpture you share with the world, whether it be strength in a boy or kindness in a girl. We see how easy it is to just give in, but wouldn't you drown if you weren't taught to swim? The world is watching, you wont realize until we're older, why we can't deal with all weight that rest on our shoulders. Ever wonder why a singer gives birth to a child that can sing, or a magician creates magic within they're offspring. An actor and attention, creating a life yearning fame, an athlete, a model, do it just the same. An intellect, a scientist create children who explore, how about an alcoholic, or an addict, need I say more. Now keep in mind there are those, an exceptional few. Who grow up and learn whatever their parents did, don't do. To the majority of us kids that want to be like our parents, don't set a bad example that would leave you embarrassed.  To those parents out there without a worry or a care., think of all the other parents that actually do care. You wont because that's you, and your child will be the same, nothing you could do when your child is too far and out of range. You lay fault and point blame never taking responsibility, it is that attitude you pass on intellect or stupidity. You will understand what has to be done, when it's much to late, it's easier to teach a child when they have a clean slate. So do what you can and so much more, depending on you we can be sweet, or rotten to the core.

They Call Them Eskimo Kisses

October 13, 2012


One month from now. The labels come off. I can not be accused of being a little girl. I will demand the respect given to Maritza. I will be a three year old. The change will take place now, I am aware of my sophistication, responsibility, and power. I've seen it, watched it, became a season ticket holder to the show that was my sister, Mrs Maritza Perez at age three, enough said. It's my turn. I have my hardships, right now with speaking. Difficulty saying my R's, L's, S's, and anything that starts with a C, K, or Q. It must be funny, though. I hear Daddy laugh sometimes. He says "It's cute, you struggle with the S and L, and they're in your name." Keep that sense of humor handy, for when we are plotting against you. Harmless playtime becomes plot-time. Maritza and I fully comprehensible to each other, turning "dealing with Daddy" into a science. I'm getting to that stage. Playing catch up with my big Sis is speeding the process. So when I does, sooner than later, its a wrap. .

 Nowadays, Maritza steals, well not steals my attention from Daddy, more like distracts him from, the sweet and precious, fierce and ferocious little girl who is.........Alyssia Perez. The second daughter. Everyone knows this, It's a fact. Another fact is,  I deserve the same amount, 50/50, right down the middle, treatment. I am happy to say, Daddy does an "alright" job dealing with Maritza not sharing. I mean treating us equally. Though, he seems to talk to her more than he does me. It's like a constant barrage of word after word, with them two. First Daddy, then Maritza. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, then Maritza again (Daddy loves to talk). Still, he doesn't talk with me like that.  I stand on the sidelines. Listening to them "engage in conversation".  It must be great to share something special with Daddy.

 I thought about it all day. What do I and Daddy share between us? Everything he does with me, he does with Maritza. I was at the dinner table, with Maritza across from me. I couldn't get it out of my mind. Daddy gives Maritza a little more food on her plate, than on mine. OK , she's older. Besides that, nothing different. She has a fork, so do I. She has a spoon, again, so do I. We are done with dinner and a snack. It's off to the bathroom for a bath. I contemplate while Daddy puts shampoo and conditioner in Maritza's hair. He uses more for her because her hair is longer. Understandable. We use different toothpaste. I use the princess bubblegum flavored toothpaste, Maritza uses Daddy's mint toothpaste. I don't like the taste of mint. She does. Nothing special. We receive the same treatment....so was there nothing Him and I shared? I was at a lost. It was bedtime. I gave up my search. I climbed in to bed with a gloom that would beg Daddy to ask "What's wrong, Baby?" All the words and sentences rolling around in my head and "Nothing, Daddy" was said. Daddy replied with "It's OK, You tell me when your ready". He tucked me in then leaned in to kiss me. I grabbed both sides of his face, rubbed my nose back and forth against his nose and gave the sides of his face back. Nothing special, we do it all the time. Daddy went to Maritza, tucked her in, gave her a kiss and hug goodnight, and before he could pull away Maritza asked "What were you doing with, Alyssia?"
"Saying goodnight to her."
"No, the thing you were doing with your noses."
"Oh, they're called Eskimo kisses"
"Can you do that with me, Daddy?"
"Sure." 
Maritza smiled, that made me smile. When Daddy was done he came back to give me my goodnight hug. He smiled, kissed me on the cheek, gave me another Eskimo kiss(I know what they're called now), and said "I'm glad to see you smiling. Goodnight baby, I love you."
Goodnight, Daddy. I love you too....


I do share something special with Daddy after all. Go Team Alyssia!!!

When Did Politeness Become Funny?

September 26, 2012

 Laughter is what our Daddy calls "The key to eternal youth.", and we've seen Daddy Enjoy a good laugh. Maybe, that's the reason why he looks so young. (your welcome Daddy). He says "A day you haven't laughed is a day you haven't lived."  Daddy laugh's when he's happy, he laugh's when he's angry. They don't sound the same, but they're still a part of what you would consider, a reaction to something being "funny". Daddy has his chuckles of disbelief or amazement. The ones heard when we do something to make him proud or when we're trying to out wit him. Daddy has his few moments of loud roars of uncontrollable laughter, tear filled eyes, and lungs gasping for a break. Like when he's watching South Park or Family Guy, but usually it's when he's with our Titi Barbara or Tio Ben. It's simply incredible. When they get together and joke around, what joy and happiness. Like two best friends. It is truly a sight to see. Daddy also can't contain his laughter after seeing someone fall. We don't know what it is, that he finds so amusing. Pain is a joke? Sometimes he laughs when we fall. Not the serious ones, he comes running to check us from head to toe, for those. It's just the ones' that happen when we take his warnings for granted, like running in the house. He says it's better to laugh and pick yourself up, then it is to cry about it.. I still find it strange. Another situation I found peculiar, was the day Daddy laughed at a remark, purely intended to express my politeness.

Daddy was talking on the phone and he asked me if I would like to talk with Tio Ben.  At the same time, I was playing with the bikes and three wheelers down stairs, while Daddy was washing our cloths. We don't often get the chance to play downstairs on the count of Daddy's fear of us being down there unattended. I had to enjoy every minute I could. So, when Daddy asked me if I wanted to speak with Tio Ben, I told him in a sweet, calm, confident tone "I don't want to talk to him right now, Daddy. No thank you...."
After a live lesson of what a "hearty chuckle" looked and sounded like, Daddy relaxed and told Tio Ben what I said. He told me Tio Ben said "It's probably too early for her." I heard Daddy tell him "That's not the the reason why. The reason is because she doesn't want to give up her spot on this bike she had her eyes on, when she got down here".....
Daddy was right. He usually is. He likes to keep others well informed of the truth. I thought I was being very adult. Daddy did thank me for being so polite. He said the reason he laughed was because he didn't expect me to answer in such a way......Well Daddy, you should expect what you teach us to be used in our everyday lives, and I'm glad I could return the favor and make you laugh, for a change.

Fire-The Third Element

 September 26, 2012

Chapter 

1

 The Five classic elements. We hear about them all the time. Well, maybe not the fifth. We interact with them on a daily basis. It is apart of our lives. We could learn about them in school like most....or we could learn about them from our parents. In our case, from our Daddy. He says we can only enjoy them (like anything) in moderation.

Lets start with fire. Daddy has shown us fire. Fire, which helps us cook our meals together. We love it when Daddy asks us to help make the foods we eat. It gives us a sense of accomplishment and who wouldn't want to eat the food they prepared with their own two or six hands? He always reminds us to stay away from the flames and the hot surfaces it creates. He's very aggressive and assertive when he says this. Every single time we cook with him.

 On a less intense note, he has pointed out the warmth and calmness a fire can produce when we went to a friends house and Daddy let us sit in front of a fireplace. What a feeling. The heat was coming off the flames like magic. We were amazed how something so powerful could be confined in a box in the wall. Then something as dramatic as a dancing flame on a candle, can light up a room, to chase away the darkness.

 We would say we love fire, but we could remember when Daddy was driving around Dundalk following this tower of smoke. Daddy said it was created because a building had caught on fire. He wanted to see where. You would think this crazy of a man driving a minivan filled with three children(our sister Jazmine was with us at the time) but it wasn't. We finally found the source of the pillar of smoke. Daddy said it was the old Seagram's plant on Sollers Point Road, where they bottled soda. Daddy pulled over where the police block was put up. He parked and escorted us out. We were a safe distance away. We couldn't feel the heat, but we could see the flames bellowing out of the building.Creating black and gray smoke that shot up to the sky. It was truly a marvel to witness. We asked him, "Why did the building catch fire?". He said he didn't know. Then, we asked him "What were the firemen were doing?". He said "Trying to control the fire and put it out.". "Is the fire out of control?" we asked. He said "Not yet, but if the firemen don't extinguish the flames, the houses near by might catch fire. People live in those houses and they don't want to lose their homes." We watched for sometime as the firemen used water hoses to put out the flames. It wasn't as wonderful to see the flames this time. It was scary to the point Daddy said we had to leave, just in case the fire spread. We went to the van, got in, and drove away.

 Later that day Daddy told us the Firefighters beat the fire. No one was hurt and the houses around the old Seagram's building were untouched. Thank you, Firefighters. What an experience. Fire is truly a force to be reckoned with. Daddy says "You shouldn't play with fire because it doesn't play with you, It does exactly what its supposed to do. Burn and destroy. You should respect it.". We are grateful for the knowledge of new things. Daddy can see it in our eyes. He taught us something else you might find interesting. He said "The five elements are associated with the five senses, and act as the gross medium for the experience of sensations.  fire is the third highest on the list. It can be heard, felt and seen." That must be the reason Daddy always says "don't touch", and come to think of it, fire doesn't have a smell, only the object that is on fire does. Clever Daddy. Your the best.

If I Were A Boy

September 24, 2012

 Growing up is not hard to do. Being raised by a father that wants to educate and nurture you without the help of a mother (his or yours) isn't. I would like to say Daddy is trying or doing his best, but that would be an understatement. The definition of trying means "hard to endure, difficult times". My Daddy is exhibiting neither. He is confident in the way he is raising us and it seems to come easy to him, in the way he handles every situation. I even noticed him a few times, taking a deep breath, in and out and counting to four to calm himself down. Just like we've seen on Daniel tigers neighborhood. It's a children's show Daddy said they made from Mister Rogers neighborhood. Don't ask me who he is. I have no idea. The point is, Daddy is learning everyday as much, if not more, as we are, and that's what makes him our Daddy.

 Not too long ago, Daddy jokingly suggested we take a shower instead of a bath before we went to bed. Expecting us to say no, as usual, but little did he know, Alyssia and I would agree. After all, adults take showers and we were big girls now  so, it only seems fit that we take a shower too. Daddy asked if we were sure. We said yes. Ever since that day, anytime we want to take a shower, we do. For instance, just yesterday, we asked Daddy if we can take a shower. I think we like it so much because it feels like rain pouring on our heads. Indoor rain, what a joy. While we were getting undressed, I asked Daddy if he can take a shower with us. Daddy said he couldn't. He said seriously "Nooo, I can't take a shower with you, I'm a man and you're girls. We're just not supposed to take showers together". That's when I said "Then I wish I was a boy, Daddy." He looked at me, laughed and said "Really?"
"Yea, because when we were living at The Apples house we took a shower with Bean. She's a girl, If I were a boy I could take a shower with my Daddy"  He laughed again, kissed me on the forehead, lifted me into the bathtub, and said "There are somethings in life that a father cannot do with his daughters and taking a bath or shower together is one of them" I looked at him with concern and asked "What are the other things we can't do together?"
"I'll tell you when the time comes, Maritza. I don't want to rush things. I want you to stay my little girl as long as you possibly can. Don't want you growing up, faster than you already are" I didn't really understand what he meant because I knew, no matter what age I am, I will always be Daddy's little girl.

Is The Bitter Truth Better Than A Sweet Lie?

September 22, 2012

 What were to happen if everyone was handed the bitter truth? Would the world and its inhabitants be ugly and gruesome or would we deal with it and in time learn to adapt? The reason I ask is simple. Every time I mention my mother to Daddy, he doesn't seem to have much to say on the matter. Is it because he doesn't want to hurt me or is the reason why Daddy can only utter a sentence, is because he's selfish, and wants to keep us all to himself? Well, I don't think either reason is fair. Do you? I wonder about his motives sometimes, and about hers. Did she find a new family? Did she become the CEO of a fortune five thousand company and will take Daddy away from his struggle? Did she move to a tropical island in a remote part of the world and already sent us a postcard that says "wish you were here"? Is she being loved and treated like a Queen? Daddy always says we're his little princesses. So, she must be the Queen. From what I remember, she was tall and powerful. She had long flowing hair and these green, hazel eyes, that I see every time I look into the mirror. When those eyes look back at me, I just want to know. Are you happy, Mommy?

 I know, your probably asking yourself the same question I've been asking myself. Do I really want to know, if she is happy? If she's not, that would mean she is brokenhearted and would do anything to erase that pain and see her little girls at any cost. On the other hand, if she is happy, that would mean she is just fine without us in her life. Is there a gray area when it comes to your children? Starting to understand my dilemma? A four year old should not have to ponder these questions or even ask. Alyssia will be three in less than two months. She only knew our mother for a little over half her life. Will she ask Daddy about her when she gets older? Again with the questions, and still no answers. All I get from Daddy is "she loves you too, Maritza", "she also misses you", and my personal favorite "She is working on her life, when she's done, I'm sure you'll see her again"....and my question is..

WHEN DADDY!? WHEN WILL WE SEE HER!? WHEN SHE PASSES ONE OF US ON THE STREET, AND WE DON'T RECOGNIZE HER, OR WORSE SHE STOPS US BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE, BECAUSE SHE WATCHED US GROW UP FROM OUR PICTURES ON FACEBOOK, AND TRIES TO TELL US HOW SORRY SHE IS FOR THE MISTAKES SHE MADE!? WAIT, I GOT IT SHE'LL TRY TO TELL US, YOU(THE ONLY PERSON WE HAVE IN THE WORLD) TOOK US AWAY FROM HER!? COME ON DADDY!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? YOU CAN TELL ME. I'M A BIG GIRL!!! YOU CAN TELL ALYSSIA WHEN SHE GROWS UP. I WANT TO KNOW NOW! I WON'T SAY ANYTHING!!! I PROMISE!! PLEASE!! PLEASE!! TELL ME SOMETHING!!! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO KNOW!!!


 I don't think I need to apologize for my outburst and after all that I've said, I will ask you again. Would you rather hear the bitter truth or a sweet lie?, because I would love to know the difference.

If I Had One Wish

September 21, 2012

 A long walk with my Daddy and my little sis, either to the supermarket, the  playground, or just a walk down the block and back. Its one of the many pleasures I indulge in. During our walks I enjoy walking on lawns, picking flowers, and jumping off steps. I've learned if I hold Daddy's hand, I can jump more than just two. Speaking of two, I have two questions. Do you remember where you were, or what you were doing, that made you feel like nothing in the world can harm you? Did it make you feel like a little girl holding her daddy's hand while crossing the street? If not, you should try it. There is nothing like holding a big, strong, powerful hand, from a man with a grip, that says "I will never let you go and I will never let anything hurt you". One of the reasons why I love our walks. Another reason. Picking flowers! I love picking flowers, even leaves. I ask Daddy to pull branches down so that I might pick the most prettiest leaves to add to my collection. An assortment of colors. I pick them for Daddy, and in return I receive the most beautiful and brightest smile. Daddy puts them in his pocket. He has a collection of them in his room. He says its his little bouquet, from his little lady. 

 Today, while walking back from the supermarket, Daddy pointed out some pretty white flowers. I didn't see them because I was on top of the hill of someones' lawn. I came down to see the flowers and picked one. Daddy said to make sure there weren't any bugs in them. I went to smell it and Daddy was right. My flower had a few ants in it. I threw the flower down and ran to Daddy. I cried. I wanted to pick a flower that didn't have bugs in it. Daddy suggested I pick this flower he called a wish, a dandelion. It was all by itself, sitting in the middle of a grass. I could hear Daddy saying "Be careful with it. You don't want to lose any of those fluffy seeds on it. You might not get what you wish for". After hearing that, I made sure I didn't. I picked it as gently as I could. As I ran back to Daddy and Alyssia, Daddy again warned me of the cost of losing any seeds. I told him I wouldn't because of the importance of my wish. I then asked Daddy "how do I make my wish?" He said "you ask for your wish, don't tell anyone or it might not come true, then you blow all the fluffiness off the flower"
"Is that all I have to do to get my wish, Daddy?", "Yes Maritza, that's all."

 That's when I looked at Daddy(even though he said not to tell my wish) and said "I wish I could see my Mommy" He looked at me with a sense of helplessness and sorrow and said "I bet she want to see you to" I became so excited that I waved my hands back and forth, to find I had lost half of my flower in the wind. I cried to Daddy, that I didn't get a chance to make my wish. He held me in his arms and told me he will find another one, no matter what. The rest of the walk home Daddy kept looking. We were almost home. No flower for me. No hope for Maritza. Just then, Daddy saw one that was so far away, I didn't believe him, until he picked my wish up, walked it over to me, guarding it with his life and said "hurry up and make your wish. One day it will come true."
I thanked Daddy and made my wish. The seeds were floating through the air like a bunch of teeny tiny fairies. It was beautiful to see and just as beautiful to know, Daddy wanted my wish to come true as much as I did. Maybe with the two of us wanting it, it will.

Newton's Law Of Motion Is The Same As Daddy's

September 13, 2012

 There are laws in this world. Too many, to mention them all. Still, there are a few that need to be brought to light, brought to your attention. They describe the relationship between the forces acting on a body(our Daddy's) and its motion due to these forces. In layman's terms, No matter what happens to Daddy and what hardships he has to endure, he will never stop trying to raise us with the best of his ability. It would be easier on Daddy's momentum if he does not experience these forces, but Daddy says "If the path to your goal wasn't filled with extreme privation, the reward would not feel as gratifying. If everything was so undemanding then anyone could do it and how would we distinguish the strong from the weak, the ambitious from the unambitious "

 In our experience, Daddy is strength. Our strength, our motivation. He is always moving forward, always busy, never at rest. We pick up this habit, involuntary. We know this because of the children we witness throughout our lives, that show signs of their own parents habits. We see the laziness, malnutrition, unconcerned, and indifferent. We see who is in control and who is out of control. We know the difference between growing up and actually being raised. Daddy says "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything". We are taught respect and are subjected to common sense and logic in Daddy's every word and every action. This is the movement. Daddy's movement. Which can not be stopped, or persuaded. Only decelerated, due to the forces out there that don't want to understand, wake up or realize. They only want to live their own lives despite the outcome or impact on another life. Even if that life belongs to their own flesh and blood.

  A person moving in a negative or positive direction is irrelevant to the law. What remains pertinent is, that person will indefinitely continue on their path as long as there is a force no greater in mass to deter it. We believe Daddy is that greater force. To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction. That is why it requires more effort to do the right thing, at all times.
"To enlighten is far more difficult than to entertain" (Antonio Perez Jr.)
When you exert a force greater than another, you over power it, but sooner or later, an equal and opposite force will present itself. Like a bully in school, will sooner or later meet its match. This is the law of motion in its simplest purist form. So whether it be the strength, intelligence, know-how, passion, drive, confidence or emotion of an object. It will meet with an identical opposite, that will test, strengthen or break those attributes. We would like to thank and condemn all those who have made it harder for our Daddy. You have made him stronger than he was and have shown us the weakness in your soul. If the efforts you make to hurt the ones around you, were used to make yourself a better person, a better parent, than you were a year ago, our future might actually seem less bleak. Be that opposing force. Don't leave it for someone else to decide. Plain and simple, If you won't lead or follow, Get out of Daddy's way.


  A side note: If this (our interpretation of this law) is overwhelming and overbearing. We need not apologize for this. Instead, we suggest you pick up a book, read a dictionary, ask questions, seek information, desire more than your day can provide, learn from your mistakes, and educate yourself, because the only thing worse than someone who doesn't know is someone who doesn't want to know.

Mardi Gra

August 28th 2012


 Our eyes constantly, without interruption, are on our Daddy. He doesn't know we watch. So he leads us to believe. I watch him. He watches me. I listen. He listens. He looks away, busy with the goings on of life. Cleaning, cooking, phone calls, and adult responsibility. It's at these moments of distractions that Daddy is at his purist. I watch his movement around the house. I can hear it in his voice when he speaks. The sadness is seen in his eyes... Everything about Daddy is revealed in those eyes. We can tell when he's happy and full of life. We can also tell when Daddy is worried about what will happen next. Lately, it has been pretty difficult to watch him. To a stranger, it would seem as if the world was on his side. Mr. Happy Go Lucky. If you were me or Alyssia you would disagree. His happy mask was torn, tattered, and broken.

 The "happy mask" that Daddy wears(among many) is worn to ease or disguise the pain, to prevent the world from knowing the truth of his emotions. This mask is smooth around the edges. An oval shape brightly colored like a sunrise over the ocean. A blend of visual hospitality. The swirls of Spring colors, yellow, orange, and pink dancing on a stage of baby blue, directed your eyes one quarter of the ways  down from the top. There you would find the signs of human contact inviting you, to an engaging dance of eye to eye contact.  The forehead, cheeks, and chin shined with bright stars of inspiration, even in the dark. Indicating it was more radiance than reflection. It wasn't blinding or overwhelming. It was calming, soothing, helpful and reassuring. Around the mouth a collection of lines following a smile that portrayed joy and satisfaction. A pleasure to behold and basks in its glow. I especially loved this one, Not number one on my list, but a close second.

 It's hard to tell when Daddy wears this mask, due to the fact of its close resemblance to his own day to day expression. Still, we see through it. He can't fool us. He tries to protect us, but to keep it from us, is like keeping it from himself. We're strong, like Daddy is. We can handle what he calls "adult circumstances". Why does he keep his frowns from us? His sadness from us? He says its not important and we don't need to deal with the problems of adulthood, until we reach adulthood. I think nothing is as important as Daddy at any age, young or old. "You don't need to wear a mask for us, Daddy. You don't need to hide under it. We are big girls. We want to see your true smile again" and with that Daddy says "My true smile are the ones worn by my pretty little girls. I will do everything in my power to avoid you from going through, what I am going through. I will wear my masks of joy and content, to shield you from the pain, the desperation, the heartache, the sorrow, and the worry. I will bear these emotions and deliver you happiness, because you (my precious little girls) are the reason a genuine smile can still be seen under any mask I wear, under any condition, and under any circumstance. I thank you. You give me the ability to press on"

Crossing The Line

August 27, 2012


 The time has come, yet again. where we notice that the water is quite. so it's time to make waves Time to poke the fire, color outside the lines, push the limits...... CROSS THE LINE. Lately We've been seeing a lot of Daddy. It's fantastic! We wake up together. More like we wake up, then we wake him up. We brush our teeth together, eat together, spend our whole day together. Everyday is a new day. He's so fun to play with...until we cross the line. I find it rather amusing, Alyssia too. Daddy, on the other hand, does not find it so entertaining. You should see his face. Daddy tries to be patient and get a grasp on the situation, it doesn't help. It's a game to us. We notice it doesn't bother him, so we push it a little farther. It's a game. He's cool, calm, and collective, so it seems. It's just a game. You might think of us as mean. Some might think of it as cruel. Remember, it's just a harmless game.We like to think of it as pure, unconditional love, at it's purest. Every parent must go through it. We as children, want to know how far we can push him. how far we can take it and how Daddy will react (for future purposes). The emotion to every emotion. WE WANT TO SEE IT! We ask him if we can we have another pack of gummies. The answer is always, no. We ask for more juice, after the first delicious cup. The answer, once again, a big fat no. We don't like being told no, about anything. Who run the world? GIRL! GIRLS! We know the song. We are powerful. We are strong. We push and push. Daddy asks me why do I ask the same questions, time and time again. It's simple. Sooner or later, Daddy's is going to give in, give us a different response. I'm not saying it happens right away and I'm not saying he gives in every time. Reality of it is, he rarely does, but he does. It never hurts to try. Well, let me rephrase that. It never physically hurts to try. Emotionally, it does. We have our feelings hurt all the time. Daddy, is a persistent Daddy, too. We cry. Alyssia more than me, of course. We can't help it sometimes. Our hearts are broken. How could Daddy say no to his little girls. We are his world, after all, but even after the tears have started, Daddy still says no. So, why do we still continue our relentless pursuit? The reason is simple. We make waves in the waters because, you can learn more in a storm than the calm. We cross the line, to find out where that line is. We poke the fire, to see how high it can go. We color outside the lines, because we can. We push the limits because we are told there are none. Keep up the good work and good luck, Daddy. With every piece of mentality you use towards and against us, we will use that same mentality on you.

How Bad Could It Be, If You're Always Smiling?

August 14, 2012


 The days go by and we spend every moment with Daddy. We wake up, enjoy the day, and end the day with him. It has been the best time of our lives. Daddy gets aggravated from time to time, but he said it's normal. He has reassured us many times these past weeks, that he loves all the time he spends with us. He looks healthier and he's even grown a beard. First time we ever saw him with one. He looks so sophisticated. When Daddy was working we saw him, maybe, four hours a day. Daddy didn't intentionally lose his job. Who does? He said "everything happens for a reason.". Hopefully for our sake, we find out that reason soon....

 I overheard Daddy talking to himself after he read a letter he received in the mail. He was spouting curses and words I've never heard before. I was scared to ask any questions but if you know anything about me, you know that wouldn't stop me. I approached him and asked who sent him the letter. He said it was from the unemployment office. I then proceeded to ask him what the letter was about. He looked at me with a sadness I have never seen. What could the letter have said to make Daddy feel this way. Just when I was about to walk away Daddy belted out "No one cares, Maritza!", and before he could say another word I cried out "I care, Daddy"....He opened his arms waiting for me to enter them. I love it when he does that. You could hear Alyssia say "I care too, Daddy" as she ran to us from the living room. Daddy opened his arms wider to give us both a hug. It was the kind of hug you give to someone that has been hurt. We weren't in pain. I'm sure of it, but maybe he was. The kiss on the forehead, that followed, was as you would expect from a father to a daughter. Simple, sweet, and filled with a type of security, only a Daddy could give.

 He wiped the tears from his eyes, picked up his head and said..
 "I love you girls. Right now, Daddy is dealing with some serious issues and because it doesn't happen often, the world doesn't believe a man can take care of a two and a four year old. They don't see that I can not give anymore than what I have already given. I ask for help and it's denied. I ask for a more steady and predictable schedule at work and they say "sorry, you work in retail". Well, I'm sorry. Sorry they couldn't understand. Sorry, I didn't put more time and effort in my profession. Sorry, I didn't give my job, my full and undivided attention. Sorry, I didn't put my girls before my work. Sorry, it's always a women in this situation and rarely a man. I tried to be a father and a valued employee once before. The result, me having to step down from a assistant managers position to make it less difficult. I've made sacrifices and I know there will be more to be made. I've learned there is nothing that is going to make raising two little girls any easier. It's just not possible without family. It's unfortunate that I moved away from mine. It doesn't really bother me in the sense that, eventually we  will overcome this. What does bother me, is the overwhelming feeling that I will fall. I can't see myself failing, but falling? Yes. It's coming. Is that what they want from me? Do they want to see me in the gutter? Down and out? Begging for a handout? If you don't show signs of humility, you  don't get the support you need? Why help someone who isn't groveling, right? Nonsense! It shouldn't have to be that way. The only thing I beg and plead on a day to day basis is, that we remain together. Which will most likely be misinterpreted  as my greatest attribute and downfall.....My arrogance."

 I wiped his tears like he does mine and opened my arms. Daddy looked at me, grabbed Alyssia and hugged us like he was never going to let us go. Deep down we knew in our hearts, he never will.   

  

Zombie Apocalypse take 3

August 11, 2012

 This is the third installment of a man. Who has not given us the pleasure of knowing his name (I wanted to Google it). Daddy said he found two more sandwich bags, containing two letters each. Oh joy! They were in a hole at the upper right corner of Daddy's closet . He read all six and said "Somehow I empathize with him." We shouldn't hesitate to let everyone read them. The world needs to know . So with my Daddy's permission we bring to you.The Zombie Apocidemic.


March ?, 2004

Chapter 3

The Reality

 This can't be. I thought I could make my escape, from the walking masses of death. With over 8 million people in New York City. I thought I had seen the worse. Such a large population, for this Apocalypse to run head on with. How could It get any worse, you might add? It was the horror of realizing I had to cut down my own friends and family to survive. I tried to keep telling myself  "they won't feel a thing", but it was I, who felt it the most. I escaped what I was not ready to do and made my travels southward to a place named after a county town of County Louth in Ireland. Situated where the Castletown River flows into the bay, close to the border with Northern Ireland and equidistant from Dublin and Belfast. I don't blame you if you haven't heard of it. Few know of Ireland, but this place was not in Ireland. This place was close to home. Not far at all. A single road can take you there. It brought me here.

 Would you believe I've tried reasoning with the desolate souls, of the wondering drones, that fill the world of the conscience. I thought that if reasoning and example might persuade anyone. It might work on them, I was wrong. How can you reason with the unreasonable. How can you educate the numb, the lifeless, the brainless. None the less, I felt as if there were someway to change what was going on. I would find it. I had to take it upon myself to reverse the phrase "one man can not change the world" but, here it was, this massive ball of inevitability. Heading down a steep slope of ignorance. What do you do? Head on? Run away. Not yet, first, I had to blend in somehow. A wise man once said "A person can be intelligent and play stupid, but a person couldn't be dumb and play smart.". Wise words. I have to pull this off......every time I look into their eyes directly, I feel them staring back at me with jealousy. Do I sense a bit of human emotion lingering? Is it that you want to be alive again. Can't find your way? I shouldn't be so quick to judge. After all, they were once apart of the world of the living.

   Leaving behind more of the undead in their wake, as they devour the very muscle that keeps us sharp, witty, alive. We weren't raised as warriors or the fighting resistance but, we are now. I have seen people torn apart. Nothing, but a shell of their former selves. The feeling of regurgitation, like a frog in my throat. The stench, the sadness in their eyes. Yet, some have a lost gratification that could not be replaced by anything. Happy to be zombies, I guess. Let's see zombie requirements.
Slow moving time has no meaning. Check
No regard for personal hygiene(of course). Check.
Feeds off of anyone it can. Until, you become one of them. Check.
No train of thought. Can barely complete simple tasks. Check.
No recollection of friends, family, or themselves. Check.
They're not satisfied, until the whole world is under ruin. Check.

They are here people and they aren't going anywhere. We can make a stand or just let this happen.
True this was foreseen, but I wouldn't call it an Apocalypse.
More like, A Zombie Epidemic. 

Zombie Apocalypse Take 2

July 28, 2012

It's been sometime, since we've heard of the letters we found, that day in our bedroom closet. Daddy told us he read all three letters and decided these notes would cause more hysteria than resolve. We don't know why. So, with blissful ignorance, we disagree and with indifferent intentions, we bring to you, an interesting story of one mans' journey.


November ?, 2003

Chapter 2

The Re-evaluation

 I am not alone. This is an epidemic. Even though, I myself, would call it a pandemic. It is an illness. With science we can conceive the definite possibility that, a foreign substance has entered the body, altered the very soul of our vessel. Corrupting the heart as the cerebrum decays. An Apocalypse? This was foreseen? Someone, somewhere, was figuring this, all out, and didn't tell the rest of us human beings? Then again. How much marketing can you get if everyone knew? A few movies. A zombie-less Halloween, wow Halloween. It's funny. No, I mean it's a joke to everyone. Desensitize the public to this horrific event, turn it into a house hold name. Sell bullets specifically  made to kill zombies! Us and our labels. As soon as we label it, it becomes ours. Right? Isn't that how the old folklore goes? we snuggle with it. Call it our own. I heard something similar as a child, from a gargoyle named Hudson (after the Hudson river) on a children's animated series. He said "Must you humans name everything? Nothings real to you, until you've named it, given it limits". There are no limit to how far this can go(except world annihilation), But like Bruce Lee said "Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water" (something said here in the middle ) and oh! "Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend. He's basically stating. Nothing Can control us. Nothing should control us.

 Can we label this, and call it an apocalypse, then? Is this something viewed as a prophetic revelation? Did I just ask you the same question twice? Did I repeat myself again? Think about it!! Please think, thought, question, desire, and inspire. Continue to seek, yearn and crave for more.That seems to be the key. It is imperative that we keep our minds on a strict regimen of stimuli, awareness and creation. It doesn't take a scientist figure out (if it does, than we are all scientist today, my friend). If you just close your eyes..well, that I really wouldn't recommend, keeping an eye out for the undead and all, you could do it with your eyes open. Picture this....a beach, sun, hot, warming, can't quite feel the burn, the winds in your ear are relentless, yet a welcome pleasure for your skin, heavy waves crashing into the clean sandy shore. wait there are empty soda cans (your choice), Beer bottles (your choice), plastic bags, along side cigarette butts in the shape of a frowny face.

Your mind sets a stage with whatever and whomever I tell it. The more articulate the words are (like a light, fine, stroke outline on canvas with a fine brush), the more vibrant the setting. The more alive the scene becomes. It's a natural instinct to paint a picture in your mind, and that's exactly what I am talking about! Some would say, why bother? Thats my point, you don't have to bother, to think. You do have to strain and stress, not to.The mind doesn't need thought to manifest an image inside of your head. The dreams, the passions, the memories, pretend and make believe. We seem to lose that as we grow up. we forget, that's how we learned everything as children. Even as we grow older, with our ears closed, our mouths open, and our eyes closed, you can see still it. Everyone can see it..... Well, not everyone.

Dear Life

August 6, 2012

 Whomever sent that letter addressed to Daddy, didn't expect a response. Well they got one and it is my pleasure to share it with you. Go get 'em Daddy!

Dear Life,
          To "think" about any given topic or situation, let alone about ones' self is to have doubt. I am a man, who doesn't "think", but knows, who I am, knows what I am trying to accomplish, knows my boundaries, and knows that there is no limit for me, but death. Even through death my impact continues. I am education. I am hard work. I am a father. I am a nurturer. I am everything my pretty girls need, in their precious little lives. I would hope for an easy ride like most. Wouldn't that be great! Still, I don't rely on miracles. Would there be a different outcome if it was easy? Exactly. I don't look for a break. I look for an answer.

 Have you forgotten. You were the one who let me have a taste. At times, served me three course me of your cruelty, torture, and malice. You made me who I am, and in some way prepared me for the drive ahead. Yes, this is my first time down this road, but I am traveling down this path, with the experience YOU gave me, and not to mention, the smartest and most precious daughters a father could have, riding by my sides. They may not know what's going on at the moment. They may not see my pain and frustration, but it is their naiveté, love, and innocence that fuels my will to press on. On this journey..of their life.

 Destiny...I do control MY own destiny in the sense that, I know what I need. I know what's at stake. Temet nosce. I never strive for less. I strive to be the best. Better than last year, in the time I am allowed. Time does go by fast, it's true, but the time I spend with my girls will last forever in our hearts and in our minds. Just like, the lessons I teach my girls everyday. They will grow up different and the world around them will finally know the difference. My children will be of my wisdom. They will have the same intentions I have. They will know what I know. You will not catch them off guard. I will make them aware of you. Aware of the struggle, the hardships, and the turmoil. Aware of the trust in a man, a real man, this man. I am everything but normal. My dreams are loud. How can you awake from your dreams, if you are not sleeping?

 You don't believe the statement and it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. "All I need is my girls" will be said as many times as the world needs to be reminded of it. I now live for them. They live because of me. The worst thought would be of me losing them. Besides my health, nothing could be worse. I have over come your hardships and I will overcome these. Before I had MY girls, the only reward was money. Now, the smile on their faces, the joy in their hearts, and the way they say "I love you, Daddy" and "My Daddy" is all the payment I need. You can not bring me down. I will not dwell on the past. How does the phrase go? "Life is what you make it?" That's right! What I make it and like the saying goes "Don't go through life, GROW through life", I will continue to grow everyday of MY ENTIRE LIFE.


                                                                                    Sincerely yours
                                                                                    Antonio Perez
                                                                     Because getting out is not an option

Can You Marry me

August 5, 2012


 A strict regimen, mixed with love,  poured over honesty, garnished with a slice of responsibility, is what Daddy says helps him with our daily routine. Which, I might add, is rarely altered. Daddy says we are cranky if we stay up past bed time. even though, I think it's the other way around. After dinner, we usually sit, play, or talk with each other, before we brush our teeth and get ready for bed. A little T.V. wouldn't hurt, but very seldom does Daddy turn on the T.V.. When he does, we get to watch our favorite shows on Netflix. Daddy says the greatest thing about it is, that there aren't any commercials to distract us from learning. Alyssia and I love Pocoyo and the Lalaloopsy movie. I enjoy watching the Fairies and Bratz. Alyssia is a Dora, Diego, and baby Bratz fan. Daddy loves Word girl, Super why, and a collection of Leap Frog movies. He said, he would rather see us play with our toys, than sit in front of a T.V.. I agree, I love all my toys and I love my Daddy. After all is said and done, it's time for bed.

 Last night, at the end of our routine. Daddy asked us for a kiss and hug goodnight as usual. Alyssia gave him kisses and hugs then I also granted his request with a kiss on the cheek and before I would give him a hug, I said "I want to give you a kiss on your lips, Daddy." Daddy answered me with surprise "We don't kiss each other on the lips, Maritza.". I tried to convince him and said "married people kiss on the lips, yea" He laughed under his breath and said "Yes they do, baby. Married people kiss on the lips". Then came a question that put a tear in Daddy's eye "When I grow up, can I marry..
-I mean when I grow up, can you marry ME, Daddy?"
Daddy paused, after he let out an "awwww " and followed with the answer I wanted to hear "Yes Maritza, I will" I was so happy. I gave him another kiss on the cheek, an extra big hug, and said "I love you, Daddy" He kissed me on my forehead and replied "I love you too, Maritza"
"Me too, Daddy?" Alyssia said.
"Of course, Alyssia. I love you too. Goodnight girls, sweet dreams"
As he walked out of our bedroom with the voices of his little girls saying "goodnight, Daddy". I couldn't help but think, My daddy is the greatest daddy in the world. Don't ever change.

Dear Mr. Antonio Perez

August 3, 2012

I have a letter addressed to my Daddy. It must be fan mail. What else could it be? When Daddy was done reading it, he put it down and said he found it incredibly amusing. So, I picked it up  and thought it would be nice, if everyone else could partake in that very same amusement. I hope you enjoy. My Daddy did.

 Dear Antonio Perez,
                    Who do you think you are? An easy ride? A break? Maybe, help from above? Is that what you think you deserve? What you will receive? This is obviously your first time down this road. This path that is filled with the ugly truth that just is. You live by the notion "You control your own destiny"?! You have no control over anything. By the time you realize what has to be done, it will be to late to act upon and the illusion of you "handling the situation" will only fill you with the gratification of overcoming, nothing. All the while, time is ticking away. You feel as if it's running out. Your plans will expire. No time for anything. Dwell on the fact, and again you lose time. What will you do? You don't want to go against your own words, Do you? How does your creed go again? "I will raise my children different. In a world that doesn't understand the difference" It's nonsense! It's hard enough, just to survive the norm, let alone the unorthodox. You will succumb to the way things are. That will be your norm. You will quite these dreams, which are nothing but. You will wake up one day. If not by your own merit, by ours. It is inevitable. It is feeble to think, it wasn't going to come to this. One after another. Everything that could happen will happen. Credit given to the blind man!! Congratulations, blind man!!  How you made it this far, is irrelevant. Your blindness is permanent. So called, "victim of circumstance". You are once again persuaded under basic logic, to seek help, search for some guidance. Someone out there that can lead you in the right direction, but wait....That's right! You believe the majority is wrong and you now know, you have no choice.

"It doesn't matter", you say? You now have more time with your daughters? Is that it? How does spending time with them, pay bills? It doesn't! It doesn't, make everything alright. All you need is your girls? Huh? Well, it's not that easy. It will never be that easy. The phrase goes "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". Yet. no one takes into account, if it didn't kill you, at the very least it maimed you or paralyzed you. Enjoy your restricted individuality. More is yet to come. How does the other phrase go? "It will get worse before it can get better" How much worse you might ask? Let's just say you won't feel a thing. This will be long and painless. Don't deny it. We rule your world. We are the reason. So, get the ideas out of your head, Wake up from your dreams, face reality, and embrace the truth. We are not going anywhere. What was the phrase before "It is what it is"?
"That's life"  and don't forget it!

                                                                                             signed LIFE
                                                                                      Deal with it or get out!!

No Sleep Till Brooklyn.

July 31, 2012

Has it really been two weeks? What's the phrase? Time flies when you're... Yea, it's been an eventful week. Daddy has had some major life changes. They had to be major. We haven't been to Apples house all week. Come to think of it, Tio Ben must of replaced the Apple crew, but Daddy said Tio Ben was leaving today. Does that mean, back to Apple's house? We miss Apple and we're going to miss our Tio Ben, too. We have had the privilege of knowing, Daddy's twin brother for fourteen consecutive days. We've seen him and Daddy hug like the world was ending, and talk like it had just begun. We've seen them handle situations like adults and argue like children. It's safe to say you never really grow up, when your around your siblings. If you're fortunate enough to live in a stable household and reap the benefits of growing up with a brother or sister, you know. Growing up with a live in best friend can not be replaced by any part-time residence. Sad to say, there's a lot of adults who are subjected to this reality. For those who weren't, rejoining, rejoicing, or even arguing, can transport you to the days of yesteryear. When bruises were expected, a few stitches said "you were cool", a broken arm meant nothing, and the worst thing that can happen is the emergency room. All, in the privacy of your own home. You couldn't imagine life without each other and you didn't.

 Daddy and Tio were like two long lost friends. They talked, they laughed. They even shed some tears when they spoke of Granma. "WE love you granma!!" Half way through the visit, there was some aggression exchanged, but they hugged afterward. They hug a lot. Will we hug a lot? Will we argue that way? Daddy says, knowing full heartedly we do "Imagine when you girls grow up. That's when you know your truly family, when you can hug after any quarrel. When you would love for them to leave and hate to see them go. When, no matter how much hatred or distrust you have for a family member, it all seems to disappear when they're in trouble.". Is that the same as when, Daddy always tells us the reason we fight is because we love each other?

 So, Tio left and Daddy's all alone again. Tio didn't want to go, he said he'll be back soon. We love him so much, not because we finally had our ears pierced, because of him. Even though, that was a memory not easily forgotten. Thank you Tio Ben, but why do you have to go? Daddy said, Tio Ben has to go back to Brooklyn, he has responsibilities to take care of, he has his own life over there. It was nice to see him though. Alyssia was very attached to Tio Ben. She loves her family and so do I. We love you Tio Ben!! We had a great time!! We will remember you forever. The memories we  have of you will be cherished always. We miss you already, Tio Ben. We hope to see you again!!

My Tio Ben

 July 18, 2012

 I thought my Daddy was alone, family wise. Day after day, we see other people with their families. A mother, a father, an uncle or two, cousins, a few aunts, even grandparents.Not Daddy. Daddy has a few relatives that we know of. They don't live near us.We have an aunt in Brooklyn, N.Y. (we call her Titi Barbara) she has a husband named Tio Lou and a daughter named Sammi. We also have an uncle named Ben who lives in Brooklyn, N.Y., We call him Tio Ben, and that is pretty much our family circle. Oh, let us not forget to mention our family in Puerto Rico. Daddy says he loves them and would like to see them, but PR is so far away and everyone is just so busy. Maybe one day. On our mothers side, what we have is a mystery. She never spoke of them like Daddy speaks of his. We hear of Daddy's side of the family constantly. For instance, Daddy is always saying "I love you" to them after every phone call. You're probably thinking it must be weird to hear two grown men, tell each other I love you, but these grown men are blood brothers. Like, me and Alyssia are. Well, not exactly like Alyssia and I. We are different ages. My Daddy and Tio Ben are the same age. I know, strange. Huh? How could they both be the same age? Were they born at the same time and what does fraternal twins mean? I asked Daddy and he said "Fraternal twins means two separate eggs were fertilized at the same time". I gave Daddy a look that told him "What are you talking about? Eggs? I asked about You and Tio Ben?" He quickly changed his response and said "It's when a mommy carries two babies in her belly at the same time. When they are born, if they look alike, they are identical, if they look different, they are called fraternal. I can explain a lot better when you're older". I love the fact that Daddy tries so hard for us to comprehend what he's trying to explain, even though we haven't a clue.


 We don't get to see our family often, due to the fact of distance between us, but when we do, it's like they were never gone. It's great! Just like, how great it is to have our Tio Ben visit. The moment he arrived was like seeing two giants crash into each other as they showed their affection. Daddy was almost crushed by Tio Ben. I would say "and vice versa", but I don't think Daddy could crush Tio Ben with a single hug. They hugged for a long time like we do, when Daddy drops us off at Apple's house in the morning, before he heads to work. Tio Ben is a big man. He looks like a wrestler. Daddy said Tio Ben won almost all the fights they had, when we were younger. He said "it was apart of growing up and Tio Ben won mainly because of his size." I think it's because Tio Ben is soo strong. Alyssia and I were hanging from Tio Ben's biceps and it felt like holding on to a tree limb. He's like our very own Grizzly bear, that lets us brush his hair.  It's not long like Daddy's, so it's easier to brush and style, and believe us we brush and styled it.

 Last night, Daddy headed to bed early. Daddy's been exhausted lately, so you couldn't blame him. Usually, after everything is taken care of(of course) he puts us in bed before himself. This night was different, this night was special. Daddy went to his room, didn't even say good night, and went to sleep. We didn't mind. Tio Ben was here and awake. I'm sure that's the reason Daddy would do something out of the ordinary, like break our routine. While Daddy slept we did things we could never do at that time of night. Most importantly staying awake. What a gift it was to stay up past bedtime(Thank you Tio Ben). We played with his hair and styled it. We were his "ladies in the hair cutlery." Tio even recorded us for a bit, so he can have some memories to take with him. We had so much fun, Alyssia passed out on the couch, I stood awake. Daddy eventually woke up. He came into the living room, looking a little groggy, picked up Alyssia and carried her off to bed. He then, called my name and said "Ready for bed Maritza?" I replied without consideration of the truth "Yes, Daddy" He smiled, then said "say goodnight to Tio Ben" I turned to Tio Ben, ran to his huge bear hug and said "goodnight Tio Ben".

 I would of told him more, but you know how Daddy gets. To have a smile on his face after seeing his princesses, up past their bedtime, awake while the king slept, ruining the routine, Breaking the habit(you get the picture.) is nothing short of a miracle, better yet a miscalculation on Daddy's part. So, I save my thoughts to satisfy my Daddy and my memories of my Tio Ben, knowing this. We love you Tio Ben. We are happy to know, there is someone out in this distrustful world, that truly cares about our Daddy. Someone, who isn't out to get him, jealous of his accomplishments, or envious of his outlook. You say your his twin with a passion of pride that echos "We are closer than brothers. We are twins.We are one." Nothing will ever change that. Like, nothing will ever change the fact that, we are your nieces, we are blood, and we love you. We hope you visit us again. We had so much fun. Thank you.

I Have A Couple Of Questions

July 20, 2012

Question. Why is the world so cruel? Why can't we eat candy for dinner? Can it be that it was all , so simple then? Why doesn't everyone sing? Why does Daddy feel like, we are being raised by our sitter? Do you dance when you hear music? Why do we need money to buy everything? Why doesn't everybody smile? Why does Daddy complain about time, all the time? Are gum drops the same as tear drops and rain drops? Where did our grandma go? Do you believe in angels? Can you really taste the rainbow? Is she coming back? What is lightning? Why is Daddy all alone? Are monsters real? What is wrong with being nice? Would you go to work, more than you would see your own children? Why doesn't everyone have a pool in their backyard? Does our opinion, really matter? Why does Alyssia have more than me? Would you take a chance, if it meant spending more time with your kids? Why does Maritza always want the bigger piece? What is your favorite color? Why won't anyone understand? What's that stuck on the door? Is it all worth it? Why do we have to go to sleep? Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?  Did you see that? Why ask why? Is there anyone out there? Would you, if you could? What will you do? What was that? Want to know more? Where is the love? Who's fault is it, anyway? Why doesn't it go away? Does time really heal all? Do you know what you are doing?  Is it OK to say "I don't know"? How would you know when to stop? Are we the only ones with questions? When is enough, enough? Will it be too late? Is it too late, already? Will you see things our way? Are we asking to many questions?

All Grown Up.

July 17, 2012

I'm a big girl now. Yes I am. It's been one whole week that I have been wearing big girl panties. I am what they call "potty trained". I am so proud of myself. Proud that I can walk into any bathroom and say "Hi. My names Alyssia Perez(no middle name, don't ask)and I am here to put my pee and my doody in your potty."
Yucky, smelly doody. My Daddy says he's tired of seeing it, smelling it, and dealing with it.
"Doody goes in the toilet! Ewwwww. Alyssia. Doo-doo is nasty. We put it in the toilet, we wipe ourselves clean, front to back, and we flush it down. Bye-bye. It's gone. That's it." When Daddy says "That's It" after a sentence, he means just that. Daddy was getting angry with me because of all the crying over closing the van door, by myself. Turning off the living room lights(the only ones I can really get to). By myself. Turning on the TV. By myself. Washing my hair. By myself.  He said "How could you cry about doing all these things, by yourself? You wanna be a big girl? Use the potty!! Learn how to use the potty like a big girl, then we can talk about the rest! Can't even use the potty an you wanna cry about a door". (He could be so mean at times). Well I did, Daddy! Lets talk about the rest, with your big girl, Alyssia! I know when I need to go. I know how to do it now. I can use the potty...... I did it! Not alone, of course. I had lots of help from Apples house. I heard my Daddy thank her for helping so much with "the potty training". Daddy says he still can't believe that both his beautiful little girls are all grown up. Believe it, Daddy! We see your effort and we give you ours. We are never going to stop amazing you. Thanks for being there. It's a dirty job being a mom, but somebody's got to do it.
And for that, We love you.

"When you are there for the worst, It shows you at your best"
                                                                                  -Trez Perez




I did mention I was potty trained, Right? YAAAAAH! ME!!!!!

Zombie Apocalypse Take 1

July 16, 2012

Spring cleaning in July. Daddy decided to go through our toys and cloths. He says its time to get rid of everything we don't use. We told him we didn't want to throw any of our toys away. Daddy said the toys will go to children that didn't have toys to play with and the cloths will go to children that can wear them. We said OK and helped Daddy sort(we have to keep a close watch on Daddy, we have close ties with some of our toys. Even if we haven't seen them in awhile). We began collecting toys from every corner of the house. Under the bed, in the closets, in the basement, and in our play house( it's a walk-in closet in our bedroom, where we store the majority of our toys). It was there, that we found notes in a sandwich bag tucked into the corner of the walk-in. We found a total of three. Here's the first.  

Chapter 1

The Reawakening

April ?, 2003

 The zombie apocalypse....funny you never would think you would live to see one. It was yet another example of the frog in the hot water. It didn't happen overnight. It wasn't some hello, good morning. Would you like some zombie apocalypse with your eggs? Nor was it the "oops!, I just stepped in a pile of zombie apocalypse". No, It was clear.  It has been marinating for some time. Whether it was planned or accidental. It was a slow inevitable simmer. I couldn't imagine having children, now. Would you? Bring them into a world of the undead? A worldwide zombie take over!?.... World wide.....seems like a large area to cover. I try not to think about it. Maybe a healthy dosage of "out of site out of mind" might help or is that a phrase for procrastinators. I talk from experience, of course. Nothing I love better than sitting back and doing absolutely nothing. Why do today, what you can do tomorrow.? Right? Easy to say when your only responsibility was keeping a job. I rarely kept a companion. It's not that I don't enjoy a womans' company. I am selfish. Don't rely on anyone. Nothing to be ashamed of. I like my own things, my own way, and my own space. On top of that, I am particular. My desire was to find someone who compliments me, completes me, improves me. Now I'm lucky if I find one who doesn't want to turn me into a zombie.

My Personals would read:
Single Living Male looking for Any Living Women
Must be Energetic, Outgoing, 
Takes pride in appearance, health
Proper Etiquette & Ability to hold a conversation is a plus
Having brains in head, instead of on your mind is a double plus
Knowing how to feed the mind, instead of feeding on it, triple plus.

You need these comical moments to keep you going. That's the key right there. Keep your brain thinking, your body motivated, and your head clear. If not, You could end up loosing your mind(no pun intended). This is serious. It seems to be the lazy, who are more likely to fall. Makes sense, If you don't have the energy to act on anything. Then, why would you expect to outrun the Apocalypse. We can't give up or give in. We could end up losing the world as we know it forever.... Listen to me, like I'm an expert on reversing the Apocalypse. I may not be, but I have hope and hope is sometimes all you have left.

                                                                                 Continued......